Wednesday, 6th February, 2008, 8:52 AM

The painters and decorators still haven't arrived. The mouse still hasn't been fed. Okay, so I hate the first phrase and I imagine you have no idea what I mean by the second. Suffice to say, "feeding the mouse" is a euphemism for menstruating. I made it up some years ago. I'm not proud of it but I invent few things so I'm determined to use it. I don't need to explain how I came up with it, but if you think about it I'm sure you'll figure it out.

So this is day 30. Since I started monitoring my cycle I have come to identify certain days by where they fall within it. My period, whom I shall herein refer to as Prunella because "period" is a crap word, is generally due on day 28 but when it arrives it actually becomes day 1 of next cycle. Last month Prunella arrived on day 32, which is most unusual, and lazy. It's even more unusual for Prunella to be lazy two months in a row. It encourages the imagination, and as such I have resorted to analysing physical symptoms.

Symptoms I am currently analysing include:

1. Feeling constipated even thought I'm not and feeling like I need to go to the toilet often (for a number 2, if you must know) even though I don't. I don't know if these symptoms are related to pregnancy but they're certainly not unusual for me whilst I'm waiting for Prunella.
2. Slightly tender boobs. I used to feel this occasionally when I was on the pill but haven't for ages. Makes me wonder if it's caused by the hormone the pill gives you to make you think you're pregnant, which makes me wonder if I'm pregnant. When I was on the pill it used to make me think I had breast cancer.
   

Number 1 is the overriding feeling so I'm expecting Prunella to arrive today. I wish she'd hurry up so I can get the "feeling not quite right" bit over with. I am so lucky that Prunella is generally pretty easy on me. Many other girls get very sick at this time of month and the worst I get is a slightly dodgy stomach and the occasional mild headache. Still, it's a bit irritating.