Tuesday, February 26, 2008


Oh sorry! I must have dropped off.

Finding it very difficult to fit everything that I want to do into the day at the moment, mostly because I just feel useless a lot of the time. Not at all sure how I'll fit it all in when I have a child to look after too. Doesn't bear thinking about.

Had a much more productive weekend just gone than the one before. Apart from nearly fainting on the way to the beach, that is. I'm quite prone to fainting anyway. I blacked out on the tube a couple of times in London and had to ask people I couldn't see to let me have the seat, or blindly feel my way off the tube and to a bench in the station I could just about make out through the fur growing on my eyeballs. I was so sure that the heat in Australia would get to me and I'd be fainting all the time but it's been far less of a problem since I've been living here. In fact, I don't think it's happened at all. Until Saturday.

For those of you who've never fainted before, this is how it feels. You kind of go all hot and feel a bit weird and weak. Your vision goes funny. Sometimes it's like streaks of white lights but more often than not it's a few black dots. They appear in front of your eyes and they just keep appearing and taking over your vision until eventually you can't see anything. Once you get a breath, or manage to sit down for a while they start to disappear again but if you stand up again before they've all gone, they start to come back again. Meanwhile a similar thing happens to your hearing. Gradually it just becomes muffled. Your skin feels kind of fluffy and strange. If you don't sit or lie down then soon you experience total sensory deprivation. You can't hear, see or feel anything.

Twice I've collapsed whilst in this state. The first time was the very first time I passed out and I didn't know what was happening. I was 9 years old and thought I was in bed dreaming. Then I thought "if I'm in bed, why am I standing up?" and I relaxed all of my muscles and collapsed. The second time was the last summer I lived in London. I was trying to get out of a crowded bar because I knew I needed fresh air. Sitting on a bar stool hadn't helped at all in this case. That's the weird thing, sometimes you can actually faint when you're already sitting down. This has happened to me on the tube too. I was trying to get out of the bar but because I couldn't see I kept bumping into people. I had no control over my muscles and eventually I fell on the floor. Sometimes it takes a lot of concentration not to collapse.

On Saturday Toby persuaded me it wouldn't be too hot to ride our bikes to the beach, despite the fact it was predicted to get to 36C. We didn't go as early as we usually would as we were meeting Andrei and Kaz for a coffee at 10am. It can be a nightmare driving as we get a lot of tourists on hot days. So I agreed. Stupid! A 15 minute ride took us 45 minutes. Half-way there I started to pass out and had to stop and rest three times. Eventually we ended up walking. At one point I just sat down and cried in frustration that my body wouldn't do what I wanted it to do. I just wanted to jump in the ocean and cool down and yet it seemed so far away. I think the heat had more to do with it than pregnancy but that on its own I probably could have coped with. By the way, it eventually got to over 38C!!! Toby ended up getting a lift home with Andrei and bringing the car back for me and the bikes.

Generally I'm feeling quite useless. I'm sort of getting things done at work but when it comes to exercise and domestic stuff I'm rubbish. I just can't be bothered. The tiredness comes and goes. We had friends over on Saturday night and at 10.30pm I got up and announced I was going to bed. I would never have done that before I was pregnant but I just couldn't stay awake any longer. I was amazed I managed to do as much as I did at the weekend actually; shopping, washing, vacuuming and mopping and a fair bit of socialising.

This not telling people business is very hard. It's easy at work but we feel like we're frauds when we're with friends. I think I'm going to tell my yoga friends soon because it's harder to hide it there. We're seeing the obstetrician on Monday so if all goes well at that meeting we'll probably tell the yoga gang on Monday night.

By the way, I'm now 7 weeks pregnant and the sprog has a heartbeat even though its heart is only the size of a poppy seed. That amazes me. It's actually possible to detect the heartbeat at this stage. The sprog is still a bit of an alien-like blob and measures about 5mm but by the end of the week it will have almost tripled in size. It'll also have developed arms and hands... but not quite fingers. It has all of its internal organs - not very well developed mind you but still, it amazes me how quickly this all happens.

I'm getting fat. Not sure why. Trying not to dwell on it. I'm not putting on a lot of weight so I'm not too worried. I think I could be bloated. I do seem to suffer from wind in the evening. Right-oh, back to zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Make mine a latte, and hold the de-caff

Had a de-caff coffee this morning. It was gross. It was from the university's cafe which is not renowned for its great coffee but nevertheless I don't think I'll be trying it again. Yuk yuk yuk. Sorry, sprog but you'll just have to cope with small amounts of caffeine from time to time.

The latest news is that caffeine is not bad for a developing baby so long as you don't have more than one or two cups per day (depending on which book you read). However, I haven't been drinking as much simply because I haven't wanted to. Every now and then I'll fancy a coffee but then only drink half of it. Last time I drank a full cup, which you may remember was just before I found out I was pregnant, it made me all jittery. Also, I read the other day that weeks 6-10 are the embryonic period where the sprog is particularly sensitive to any "negative influences", which include fags, booze and caffeine so I thought I'd try de-caff but next time I think I'll just go for a weak cuppa instead.

A colleague asked why I was drinking de-caff so I told her the truth (except for the bit about hosting a sensitive embryo) but I couldn't help thinking that she was asking because she suspected I was pregnant and I may have made it obvious that I was only telling the partial truth.

I went for a swim at lunchtime and the girl who stamps our cards asked me if I'd changed my hair colour. I said no and she was like "oh... you look different". I thought "oh my god, do I look different because I'm pregnant?" but then realised it was probably because I'd actually bothered to blow-dry my hair that morning (because I'd had a late shower and didn't want to get to work with dripping wet hair) and I don't usually wear make-up for the pool in case my mascara runs. I've been wearing make-up for work a lot more lately because I think I look really tired without it.

Speaking of tiredness, it seems to be coming in waves. Yesterday I couldn't focus at work and after a quick grocery shop I got home and collapsed on the bed. I couldn't do a thing; couldn't put the shopping away, couldn't put the washing away, couldn't even manage to open the packaging on the replacement microwave turntable that had arrived. I did cook a great fish curry though, once Toby got home with the fish, but I'd been so hungry earlier that I'd filled up on milk, cheese and rice crackers and didn't want any of it. I collapsed again after dinner and Toby had to clean up.

Today I feel great. I've managed to complete the migration of two web services to new hardware, one of which included a software upgrade, as well as tend to a number of support issues and organise the team to go out for coffee. I'll probably crash when I get home but not before I head to the shops for the remainder of the $10 tops I was too tired and stupid to get on Saturday.

I heard a rumour today that I'm the new team leader. Perhaps there'll be a promotion in it for me. Maybe I'll keep quiet about sprog for a while... is that ethical? The extra money would certainly help out whilst I'm on maternity leave.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Glue sniffing

I'm sure sniffing glue is something you are advised not to do whilst pregnant, yet I seem to have found myself doing exactly that. Not only is the air-con at work still bloody freezing but they are now using some hard-core industrial strength glue to stick some white-board or something to the wall in a room on our floor. There is a door between us and them but I think it must have got into the air conditioning. It's making me feel quite sick and I'm incredibly annoyed that I'm having to put up with this. I'm not sure whether I should be concerned or not.

They have the stairwell doors open so the bloke doing the gluing doesn't suffocate from the smell, so the smell is permeating throughout the entire building. I breathed in a good load of it walking back up four flights of stairs from my meeting. I refuse to use the lift after a colleague got stuck in it for half an hour last week and a lady on Level 5 got stuck in it for three hours the other day and the phone wouldn't work. So the choice appears to be:

a) go up in lift; risk staying there with no way of telling anyone that's where you are for 3 hours.


b) sniff glue whilst excercising.

Hmm.... tricky one.

I think I'm going to have to go out now... I can't take it any longer.

Monday, February 18, 2008

Nice tits

I am so LOVING my boobs at the moment. They are far and away the best thing about being pregnant. When I came off the pill they sort of drooped a bit. Toby preferred them but I thought they looked a bit depressed. A couple of weeks ago they perked back to their pill status and now they have exceeded it and are filling my bras nicely. My stomach is a bit more settled this week, not quite so bloated, and I think I'm looking pretty hot.

I'd feel a whole lot hotter if I could get enough sleep. And if I didn't have to work in sub-zero air-conditioning. It's always so cold in the office and lately it's got colder. Apparently this is because some mould grow on Level 3 over Christmas and they're trying to freeze it out. I wonder if it's the microscopic fungi equivalent of starving something out. So the rest of us have to suffer like single-cell organisms. (For those of you who know your moulds, yes I realise that most fungal moulds are multicellular but I suspect this to be a water-mould, which is unicellular.) I moved my thermometer off the window sill where it was registering a balmy 23C and it now reads about 20C and still dropping.

Last night I couldn't sleep. I don't know why, but Toby seemed restless too. I came to work and two of my colleagues also reported trouble getting to sleep. One colleague said his wife lay awake for some time too. I think that perhaps aliens are messing with our minds. Perhaps they landed last night and disrupted the normal pattern of radioactivity and we detected this on some kind of a primal level and stayed awake in case we needed to defend our planet.

I have started a food diary and in the back I am writing questions to ask the obstetrician on our first visit. Toby wants to ask why his wife has gone crazy. I don't know what he's talking about. I suggested he consult the chapters for husbands in the pregnancy books.

We told Toby's parents the other day. His dad didn't believe us and his mum claimed to have known for two weeks, which is strange because that is longer than I have known and I want to know why she didn't phone and tell me. Might have saved me 4 days of wondering if I'd got it wrong. They seem to be over the moon. I hope they come back soon; we might need babysitters. His dad rang back about an hour and a half later just to make sure he hadn't dreamed it.

I also told my sister. Well that was a mission and a half. I wanted to tell her before she saw my parents because I knew it would kill them not to say anything. I tried to arrange to skype her but she was putting the baby to bed. I ended up telling her over text message. Of course, she skyped me then, until the baby screamed and she had to go tend to her. Didn't put me off at all.

Saw my gorgeous little niece on Skype the next day as she was at my parents' house. They had discovered that Lucy likes rock and were listening to a digital radio station so I went to the website and listened to the same station online and we all danced around together to Get It On by T. Rex. Lucy seemed to respond to the silly noises Toby and I made through the computer at her. I can't wait to meet her properly.

I have been getting very tired in the middle of the day at weekends - from about 11-12 until about 4 or 5. Around 6pm I seem to perk up again. I have to have naps for about half an hour to an hour. It'll be interesting to see how I get through the working week. Have had a few annoying headaches too.

Right-oh, I'm off to have my high protein lunch of tuna nicoise salad - made at home, of course, because apparently it's bad to buy salads from salad bars and some cafes.

Friday, February 15, 2008

Work stress

The University's 2008 budget has been cut as they didn't get as many additional students as they'd hoped. Most of our team is seconded to an 18 month project at the moment and there is a freeze on recruitment, which leaves the rest of us struggling to keep things ticking over.

It was quite a job to persuade them to let me take leave for Lucy's christening, especially as much of it is unpaid leave. As it is, I have a lot of work to do beforehand, plus some flex hours to build up.

Our clients in the business areas like to whinge publicly about how ITS resourcing issues mean things don't get done, as though it's an IT problem rather than a University problem.

In response to such an email sent out yesterday, a colleague and and I were hauled into the Director's office this morning for a pep talk on uni politics. Chin up. She's not going to protect us from it or we'll never learn. If you don't like it change it, if you can't change it live with it, if you can't live with it leave. You don't have to have a title to be a leader. What are you guys going to do about it? You can change it. Etc. etc. bla bla bla.

Well, today we found out that the project manager is leaving and that our boss is being seconded as his replacement.

I said "phew, glad I booked those flights when I did" and he said, "I was going to ask you whether you still wanted to go."

"Too late not too now," I said.

Someone else commented that maybe the university could compensate me, to which I responded, "if they can't afford to recruit anyone then I don't think they can afford to compensate me for missing my niece's christening". Some things are more important than money.

I can see the team looking to me for reassurance that it's all going to be okay. We went through similar difficulties back in 2005 when all of my friends left and I was asked to lead the team with a stiff upper, keeping up morale. It was a difficult time. It is a completely different team now and morale isn't so low as people aren't choosing to leave, they're just moving around temporarily. But everyone is feeling the stress.

Thing is, I know I shouldn't let it bother me but I am feeling a wee bit stressed. I'm dreading telling them that I will be going on maternity leave towards the end of the year. I suppose it's a long way off and things might get on track by then. We may get permission for a new project officer or a contractor to help the guys out here. It's just bad timing. I really could do without this right now when I just want to think about my health and my future and enjoy being pregnant. Oh well.... I'm sure it'll be fine.

Hungry hippo

I'm hungry.

I seem to be hungry a lot lately. I feel like I want to be grazing on yumminess all day. If I eat a large meal then I go off food for a while. Generally I have a large meal in the evening and what really surprises me is that I don't even want chocolate afterwards... really not that bothered about chocolate at all at the moment, which is weird. Then I feel ever so slightly icky and go to bed. But the rest of the day I seem to be constantly hungry.

Bought another book last night. I didn't want to be one of these people who buys pregnancy books on every possible subject matter because I don't want to get obsessed. But the trouble is I'm already obsessed - with books. The Pregnancy Bible is good and has nice pictures in it but I didn't really know how to digest all of the information in there. So I bought What To Expect When You're Expecting which breaks it down month-by-month. I'm still overwhelmed though. There is so much to think about.

Lying in bed the other night I said this to Toby and he responded with, "what do you mean? There isn't that much to think about."

To which I responded, "only a man could have said that."

Today I told him that he should help me read up on stuff, like diet and I could tell he wasn't very impressed with that suggestion. I guess guys don't really want to get involved until there's an actual baby to get involved with. It feels like there's a huge responsibility on the woman from the start and that she's in it on her own. Which I guess is kind of true.

Saw a pregnant friend the other night and she started telling me why she chose the hospital she did. She compared it with the one I will be going to and made it sound so much better; nicer birthing rooms with a view, medical equipment out of site, hot tubs (I might have made that one up, influenced by some of the things I've been reading), greater choice of when to have medical intervention, greater maternal control basically. Started to freak me out and worry me that the hospital I'm going to will be crap and a full-on medical experience which I don't think is what I want. But her hospital is half an hour's drive away, near where she lives and ours is local to us. Seems silly to drive half an hour just to have a birthing room with a view over the rainforest. Doesn't it?

Thursday, February 14, 2008

In the beginning...

I've been writing this diary for over a week now but only created the blog today so all the posts are under today's date. Start from the first entry at the bottom (you may need to click on Older Posts, or use the Blog Archive links) and work your way backwards - annoying, I know but it fits in with the blog style better that way.

Today at 1:30pm

It's all starting to feel a bit more real now. I've told my parents and two friends. I'm only telling people I would want to confide in if something nasty happened, so I'm not telling friends I don't see too often just yet.

I actually think it might be Toby that's pregnant. He has been very sensitive the last few days. Last night I was reading The Pregnancy Bible and the list of possible symptoms. Toby hasn't really asked what it feels like and I thought the early days must be strange for blokes as they don't really have any signs that it's all happening. I decided to share with Toby the symptoms I was experiencing.

Me: "Stuffy nose."
Him: "Yeh, I had a stuffy nose a few days ago."
Me: "Bloating and wind."
Him: "Yeh, I've got terrible flatulence. I came home from work early last night because I was feeling ill with it."
Me: "Feeling like I need to go to the toilet but then not going, kind of like I'm constipated but I'm not."
Him: "I know what you mean. Have you had diarrohea? I have."
Me: "Not really. Loose stools and lots of windy movement in my intestines but not really diarrohea."
Him: "I don't feel well. I'm so tired. What do you think it is?"
Me: "Well I'm pregnant. I don't know what's wrong with you."

I started to wonder if maybe I'm not experiencing those symptoms because of pregnancy but maybe some other reason. They're in the bible so they must be real symptoms but isn't it strange that Toby has a bug with exactly the same symptoms, albeit slightly worse? Or maybe there's something even weirder going on here...

Tuesday, 12th February, 2008 1:53 PM

My god. I have just spent an hour in a room full of people waiting to die, listening to some old fella crack jokes about "flying wind breaks" or something,

"See I said wind breaks, I didn't say the other word," chuckle, chuckle.
Dude, it wasn't funny the first two times and it's still not funny now.

I was so close to walking out and making an appointment at the private clinic that I used to go to, the one that isn't over the road from an old folk's home. BIG mistake to think I can keep an appointment at a medical centre next to a retirement village. Won't be doing that again. The thing that really bugged me is that I made my appointment on Friday. I left work at 11am for an 11.15am appointment. By 12pm I was getting agitated (that really helped my blood pressure check, didn't it? White-coat hypertension didn't get a look-in, I was already suffering from waiting-room hypertension). My agitation did not decrease when the flying fart next to me announced that he never makes an appointment, he just turns up and waits.

Eventually, about an hour after my allotted time I got to see a doctor. He seemed quite nice. Asked me a few questions then handed me a jar and said "any chance you could give us a sample?".

I said, "are you kidding? I sat in that waiting room for an hour trying to hold it in, in case you asked but then I just had to go."

"See what you can squeeze out anyway. I only need three drops."

Well, I gave him more than that. At least half a cup and I didn't even catch it all. One of the many joys of pregnancy I suppose, the constant production of surplus urine.

So it was positive and the medical man said "you are pregnant" so I guess that means it's official then. I can start telling the nearest and dearest. I'm still not quite sure how I feel but I was starting to think I'd imagined the whole thing so I guess it's nice to know I didn't. I can't help thinking about all the things that can still go wrong but anyway, you've got to start somewhere.

The Dr had worked in obstetrics in the UK so he was able to explain the differences between the two systems to me. He recommended we go private as we have cover (but I forgot to ask how much it would cost us as I'm sure they'll sting us for something); he also recommended we go to the local hospital which I think is wise but wasn't sure because for some reason a friend went to a hospital half an hour away. He has referred me to an obstetrician, apparently one recommended by the midwives. Meanwhile, I have to take folic acid, which is in my multi-vits anyway, and I have to have a million blood tests done, which I might try and do tomorrow. I hope I have some blood left at the end of it.

Tuesday, 12th February, 2008 9:07 AM

Still feeling pretty good. Most of the other girls on the forum are complaining of sickness and some are taking drugs for it. I'm struggling to meet my February goal of getting up five minutes earlier each day until I'm waking up at 5am, and I'm begining to wonder if it's a silly idea and I should just forget it.

Boobs aren't so sore now. I'm not sure whether that's a good thing or not. In fact I'm feeling much less pregnant than I was a few days ago. Tummy is still a bit jippy but I don't seem to be constipated which apparently is a symptom.

Went to yoga last night. I'm trying to learn how to do a hand stand against the wall without assistance. I was supposed to practice at home last week but didn't quite get around to it. I can do it if someone catches my legs and puts them against the wall for me but when left to my own devices I just kick like a retarted mule. I'm sure I'll get there eventually but last night I had my first bout of nausea after a few failed attempts. In the end Adam helped me by grabbing my legs but after a few seconds I decided I didn't feel so good upside down, not to mention the fact that it's pretty tiring holding up your own body weight using only your arms. The shoulder stand went much better. It was a tough class and I was a bit tired but I did okay. At the end I told the instructor that I thought I might be pregnant. I had been going to wait until next week but we got a few moments alone and I thought she might go easy on me next week if she knows.

Going to see the doctor soon and it's bloody chucking it down. I couldn't have picked a worse day to have to leave the office and driving in this is pretty horrendous. Apparently it's a "monsoonal low". Nice.

Sunday, 10th February, 2008 5:15PM

I'm tired.

It still hasn't sunk in. It's so easy to forget about it because we haven't told anyone yet. I'm going to the local GP on Tuesday and I'm hoping he's going to tell me what to do. We bought a pregnancy book yesterday but so far it hasn't cleared up much other than the symptoms I've been analysing are definitely early signs of pregnancy. I'm thirsty and I wee a lot, but that's not really suprising because I drink a lot because I'm thirsty.

Scanned through a forum on a pregnancy website and was amazed at how many people keep doing the wee stick tests and how they're all comparing how dark the line is. I thought you just weed on it and if it made one shape you were pregnant and if it made another shape then you might be pregnant, or you might not be pregnant. I figured once it made the pregnant shape that was it, no need to do it again. Now I'm beginning to wonder, which is silly because all the signs are there, it's just that my brain can't quite grasp it.

The party was good on Friday but I was a bit tired. I even had a beer, although I didn't manage to drink it all. I kept thinking that I had something to tell people but then I'd realise I was probably thinking about the test and I couldn't tell them that and I'd go quiet. I only just remembered to tell Libbette that a lady bumped into Mitsi that morning. I was coming off the roundabout and she pulled out in front of me. I veered away from her but she managed to scrape her front right-wing along Mitsi's back left wing. Poor Mits.

I'm just trying to listen to my body now.... it's saying "sleep and drink lots of water...oh, quick , go wee." I rode my bike to the beach this morning and now I'm off for a walk before doing my anti-sciatica exercises.

Friday, 8th February, 2008, 6:44 AM

OH! MY! GOD! Oh my god!!!! Ohmigod!

Day 32. Lay awake for ages last night wondering if I was pregnant. Woke up. Did a test. I am. TOTALLY freaked out! I was not expecting that at all. Last month I was expecting it and was all prepared. I was quite excited about the prospect of telling people. This month, I've settled back into NKPM (No kids, party mode) and am so not ready. I've been like this for the last two years. One moment I'll be all "we're on this earth to procreate; the biggest gift a woman can give is the gift of life, and besides, aren't babies cute?"; the next I'd be "yeh, plenty of time for all that, whatever". I think I'm in "whatever" mode, only now it's "ohmygod" mode.

It's not official yet. I mean it looked pretty conclusive on the wee stick. I'm experienced in these things now you see, having done a test last month that was conclusively negative. But I still need a doctor to confirm it. I don't have a doctor. I don't really understand the health system over here to be honest. I have a couple of doctors I've seen before that I could go back to. One is a guy near where I used to live; the other is a nice private clinic near my physiotherapist, where I could probably request a female doctor. I wonder if it's really necessary to request a female doctor. There's a practice over the road from here. I might just try and get into there.

Oh my god. How am I supposed to concentrate at work today? This week has been hard enough; now I'm absolutely knackered and all tumbly inside. I have to go to a party tonight and not tell anyone. I'll be in a room full of people who are not unknown for asking if Toby and I are "trying" (Toby can be. Snigger) and I can't say anything because a) I haven't quite come to terms with it myself yet and b) I can't tell them before I've told Mam and Dad and Clare and Lucie and Toby's family (not necessarily in that order, you understand).

I have to go now.... I can't really think of anything more to say on the matter. Oh, but I worked out that I think the baby (Aaaarrrrggghhhh, struggling a bit with that word. And the P word. And the M word) is due on October 14th. And I'll be safe to travel by the time my UK trip comes round. So many things to think about.

Thursday, 7th February, 2008, 2:38PM

Day 31 and still no sign of Prunella. I have butterflies in my tummy. They're probably caused by the large capaccino I've just had. Oh god, will I have to start drinking de-caff? I think I'll have to do a test tomorrow before the party just in case I'm tempted to have a few drinks, even though I've promised Betty I'll stay off the booze with her. We're all a bit partied out. Partying on Fridays is hard, especially when you have to drive down to Brisbane or the Gold Coast. Plus we're getting old and don't want to write-off the weekends. Can't handle hang-overs any more you see.

I'm undecided as to how I feel about the possibility of no Prunella. I'm a bit freaked out to be honest. But then I keep reminding myself of last month when she sneaked up on me at the last minute (after I'd done a test of course; cost me $5). No point dwelling on it. I'll do the test tomorrow then I'll know one way or the other. Perhaps she'll arrive before then. Perhaps I'll do the test before then.

Wednesday, 6th February, 2008, 8:52 AM

The painters and decorators still haven't arrived. The mouse still hasn't been fed. Okay, so I hate the first phrase and I imagine you have no idea what I mean by the second. Suffice to say, "feeding the mouse" is a euphemism for menstruating. I made it up some years ago. I'm not proud of it but I invent few things so I'm determined to use it. I don't need to explain how I came up with it, but if you think about it I'm sure you'll figure it out.

So this is day 30. Since I started monitoring my cycle I have come to identify certain days by where they fall within it. My period, whom I shall herein refer to as Prunella because "period" is a crap word, is generally due on day 28 but when it arrives it actually becomes day 1 of next cycle. Last month Prunella arrived on day 32, which is most unusual, and lazy. It's even more unusual for Prunella to be lazy two months in a row. It encourages the imagination, and as such I have resorted to analysing physical symptoms.

Symptoms I am currently analysing include:
  1. Feeling constipated even thought I'm not and feeling like I need to go to the toilet often (for a number 2, if you must know) even though I don't. I don't know if these symptoms are related to pregnancy but they're certainly not unusual for me whilst I'm waiting for Prunella.
  2. Slightly tender boobs. I used to feel this occasionally when I was on the pill but haven't for ages. Makes me wonder if it's caused by the hormone the pill gives you to make you think you're pregnant, which makes me wonder if I'm pregnant. When I was on the pill it used to make me think I had breast cancer.
Number 1 is the overriding feeling so I'm expecting Prunella to arrive today. I wish she'd hurry up so I can get the "feeling not quite right" bit over with. I am so lucky that Prunella is generally pretty easy on me. Many other girls get very sick at this time of month and the worst I get is a slightly dodgy stomach and the occasional mild headache. Still, it's a bit irritating.

Tuesday, 5th February, 2008, 3:02 PM

I don't know why but people keep asking me if we're trying for a baby, or if we're going to try to have a baby or when we're going to try to have a baby. I think it's because I'm getting old. Or maybe it's just because we're married. I asked a friend recently why she thought people had been asking her if she was pregnant yet and she said because she's at that age and had been married for six months. Well, I guess I'm at that age and now I've been married for six months.

I figure one day I might actually have a baby, and wouldn't that be an interesting and fun thing to write about. So, I'm starting now, way in advance of it actually happening because the truth is, it could happen any day and in fact, I might already be pregnant, and a good writer (which is what I'd like to be some day) wouldn't miss any of it.

To summarise my baby-making activities to date, two years ago, aged thirty, I stopped taking the pill. I did this for two reasons:
  1. I had been taking the pill for 12 years and had no idea what my natural cycle was like any more. I felt out of touch with my body and really didn't know how long it would take to adjust to life after the pill. I didn't want to wait until I wanted a baby and then have my body take six months to adjust and then potentially discover I had fertility problems. So I planned ahead. Way ahead.
  2. I won't go into the reasons why but I had begun to suspect the pill was no longer operating effectively and I wanted to take control of the situation.
As it was, my body adjusted pretty much straight away. Period pains are worse now though, unforch.

About a year ago Toby and I discussed having a baby this year. We thought we might start trying (whatever that means) in May. But then we decided to get married instead and to wait to have a baby so that I didn't have to keep having my frock taken out, and so that I could partake in the hundreds of dollars-worth of booze I'd be paying for at our wedding reception. Plus, I know it seems to be all the fashion at the moment and some people think it's beautiful but there's still something a bit "eeew" about pregnant brides. It brings to mind the phrase "shot-gun" even if it isn't. Imagine looking back on your wedding photos in years to come and thinking "ooh, so shotgun".
In the months preceding our wedding day I started reading about fertility. Who would have thought there are only three days of the month that you can get pregnant. It's amazing it ever happens really. I used this new-found knowledge to wean our love life off condoms.

After the wedding we went through a period of homelessness and decided it would be very irresponsible of us to have a baby when we didn't have a home. See, this is the thing about babies. There is never really a good time. Life just continues to get in the way.

Eventually we bought a house and breathed a sigh of relief because ultimately what it meant was that we could stop trying not to have a baby. But by this time I was so aware of my cycle that whenever we did it (I'm still not grown up enough to say "make love"; it sounds so slushy and American and yuk, besides my mother might read this) on my fertile days I'd have the thought in the back of my head "ooh... that could've been a baby-making one", and every month when my period was due I'd analyse the way I was feeling ("period pain or pregnancy symptom? I just can't tell"). See, that's the thing about "letting it happen". It's almost impossible not to try to have a baby once you're aware of when it might occur.

Aside from a period (time, not menstrual) of about three days last month when my period (menstrual, not time) was late and I felt so rotten I was driven to do my first ever home pregnancy test, that's about it. I was mildly disappointed for about ten minutes to discover I wasn't pregnant. Then I got over it.

My period was due yesterday and it sort of feels like it's on its way. I'd be amazed if I was pregnant as we've been very lazy in that department this month. It's definitely been more a month of partying and drinking than baby-making, although I hear that some of the best babies are made that way.