Saturday, June 28, 2008

Ug (week 8-9)

I'm so sick of morning sickness, so goddam bored with it. I was starting to feel a bit better on Wednesday. I even went to the gym that night (big milestone, most exciting). For a split second I thought, "oh no! What if the bean has died?" then I realised that I still felt pregnant. Then I thought, "oh no! But that's what happened last time," and then realised that last time I didn't really start feeling better until after we'd found out the bean had died. And then I thought, "stop being so bloody stupid. You can't possibly know what's going on in there and there's not much you can do about it anyway so just CHILL OUT and enjoy not feeling like shite," which I did and started looking forward to our meal out on Friday night for mother-in-law's 60th birthday and planning what I might have.

But by the time Friday came around I was feeling like shite again and had a stonking headache all day. Work hurt, especially in the morning when it took me a while to get my thinking going. I was horribly embarrassed to have to go to a meeting with the design agency and ask questions about what on earth was in their heads when they designed the website this way. I felt stupid and struggled to get my thoughts in order. Thankfully, it turned out that the design agency weren't really that clever either, so when I said, "why did you develop it this way? It seems the only way you can change the image on the homepage now is by using server-side code to dynamically change the background image in the style sheet!" to which the design agency replied, "yes, that's exactly how we envisaged it working", to which I opened and closed my mouth a few times like goldfish thinking, "and how much did we pay these people?"

Sorry for the tech ramble there. I've been enveloped in it this week and now I have to get my thoughts together for Richard's return on Tuesday, bearing in mind that I've to be kind to him because he'll be bereaved and jet-lagged. Being organised feels just ever so slightly beyond my capabilities at the moment.

So I muddled through dinner, struggling to find something I fancied on the menu, massaging my poor head (which is now sore and bruised from the massage) and downing water like it was going out of fashion. I was saved by any potential pregnancy speculation over avoiding alcohol as my sore head was an excellent reason to do so. I think my mother-in-law suspected anyway as she grilled me as to what could possibly be causing my headache, and when I responded tiredness and stress she wanted to know what had made me tired and stressed. Work, I told her then reminded her of Richard's absence and the project. I had intended to indulge in a glass of celebratory bubbly but couldn't even manage that as my head got worse as the night went on, not helped by the fat lady with the loud voice and shrill laugh on the table behind us. In the end no one bothered. My brother-in-law was even worse off than I, having caught a horrible stomach bug from his toddler. He ended up running off to the toilets and vomiting and didn't manage to eat any of his dinner. I kept my distance. A stomach bug is the last thing I could do with at the moment. They left early and apparently both he and my sister-in-law spent the night throwing up. Nice.

Today hasn't been too bad. I bought a maternity bra because I have very few bras that currently fit me. I still haven't sorted out the massive pile of clothes on the bedroom chair, or those that have been sitting in the spare room since we moved in seven months ago. Tomorrow will do. I did prepare a couple of walls for slapping some sample paint onto though. Might try the first coat tonight so I can do the second coat in daylight tomorrow.

We also told my parents today. I arranged to phone them this morning rather than tomorrow night so that we could tell Toby's family this weekend. I told them I'd had an exciting week then rushed off to find the ultrasound print out. When I held it up to the camera Mam yelped, "I knew it! As soon as you said you'd had an exciting week, I knew it." I'm about to send my sister an SMS before she meets Dad for a coffee. It's a naff way to tell her but she's difficult to get over the phone. Mam and Dad are very excited and already talk has begun about when they will come over next year and whether Toby and I will make it over next July/August for a wedding reception/meet-the-baby party. Toby spent the day with his dad and really wanted to tell him about the baby but I thought it would be much nicer to tell his mum and dad at the same time. We'll probably tell them at breakfast tomorrow.

Anyway, I should go find myself some food. Toby and I are having real meal issues at the moment. He's on a bowel cleanse diet and I'm just getting really sick of having to eat the foods he can eat. I just want some simple comfort food like pasta or cottage pie. Toby thinks I have a yeast infection too because apparently they make you want to eat comfort food. And pregnancy doesn't? I do have a yeast infection on my skin though so he could be right but I'm not really sure what I can do about it whilst I'm trying to eat the right stuff for the baby and keep my energy levels up. Toby has found it difficult enough to get good advice so I'm not sure how I could get advice on dealing with a yeast infection in pregnancy. It's hard to diagnose and when Toby talked to our GP he kind of poo-pooed it a bit as there isn't much medical evidence of the existance of it or how it can be controlled by diet. He thinks it's all just the latest hype. He could be right. Remember a few years ago when everyone had a wheat allergy?

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Coffee bad

I read a forum about babies and pregnancy and stuff. Lots of the ladies on there, many of whom would normally have a coffee every day, have gone off it. I haven't. I don't drink that much anyway. Sometimes I'll have a couple a week, or one every two days and very rarely go through a phase of one every day, but lately it's been more like one a week and only when the occasion arises.

Well I went for a coffee today with some colleagues. I'd decided to have a hot chocolate but when I got there the coffee smelt so good I ended up going for a mocha. It's not like I sit in the office and think "oh I just fancy a coffee" but when I smell it I want it and when I have it I enjoy it.

The thing is I'm now sitting here with my heart racing, feeling all airy fairy and a bit light headed. I don't know if it's pregnancy that intensifies the coffee rush or the fact that I don't drink it much lately but I'm a bit worried about my little bean. His heart races along as it is so what must the caffeine be doing to him (assuming he's a boy, he could be a girl)? I wonder if it's heart rate is always the same or if it increases when mine does.

The last time I had a coffee was the day I started spotting and I'm sure the coffee rush had a lot to do with my insanely panicky reaction. I'm currently feeling a bit breathless anyway and the caffeine definitely isn't helping. I think I should try to learn from this experience and not have any more coffee for a while. But of course, that would be the sensible thing to do...

Monday, June 23, 2008


This is such an exciting day.

I had my appointment with the obstetrician this morning. I was so nervous. Even Toby was feeling a bit funny about things because of the association we had with the office and the doctor. We didn't have to wait long, which was good and we were led into the room where we'd heard the bad news last time. They told me that they'd do the scan straight away. It's just as well really as it would have been pointless checking my blood pressure beforehand. I could have told them it was through the roof.

It was an internal scan. Not a fantastic experience but not bad at all. At this stage the fetus is too small to see from a regular abdominal scan. I could barely bring myself to look at the screen. Then the doctor started teasing us. He showed me my bladder and told me it was full. He said he couldn't do the scan and I'd have to come back next week. Having just given a urine sample I was suspicious but pregnancy does seem to ensure you have a constant supply of wee. Toby suggested I go to the toilet. "Are you teasing us?" I asked the doctor. He laughed and showed us the pregnancy, as he calls it, then pointed out the fetus and the movement which indicates a heartbeat. He'd seen it all in an instant before he'd started teasing us. It must have flashed on the screen when I wasn't looking. I'm amazed that he could just glance at it and know that everything was okay.

It's not much to look at. It's a 1.2cm long bean-shaped blob which could really turn into anything, but seeing the heartbeat was amazing. We heard it too, racing along at 158 beats per second. A lovely, strong heartbeat. I realise that things could still go wrong and I'm still pretty anxious. If it does go wrong now it'll probably be even harder to deal with. Seeing the bean and it's little beat on the screen has made me all the more attached to it. I even have a photograph. My first photograph of my little bean.

The size was consistent with the dates. It's 7 weeks and 4 days old and due to be born on 5th February 2009. My next appointment is in 4 weeks.

Can you believe I had to come to work after that? I just wanted to go home and phone everyone I know. I feel a bit better about telling people now and can't wait to tell my mam and dad... if they aren't reading this and don't already know. Even if they are they need to have the formal notification and so that they don't guess I'm going to wait until my regular Skype chat with them on Sunday and show them the photograph.

I'm so relieved.

Friday, June 20, 2008

Nice day for a swim (week 7-8)

I just had to write a post because I am very excited. Today at lunchtime I went for a swim! I swam 650 metres which is only a couple of hundred less than usual. I am so pleased with myself, especially after almost fainting after pilates this morning (I had to sit in the car for a few minutes before I was okay to drive) and getting tired towards the end of a 20 minute walk yesterday evening. It seems fitting as the baby will probably be born in the sign of Aquarius that I spend my pregnancy swimming (and at the beach).

I'm now 7 weeks pregnant and I've been feeling a little bit better this past couple of days. I still feel queasy but not the full-on nausea I was experiencing at the start of the week. I am in two minds about how I feel regarding this. Obviously I'm relieved because I felt dreadful. I'd spend the first half of the day with my head in my hands groaning and feeling (and looking) hungover and like I could throw up any minute. But because of what happened last time I'm a little bit anxious that everything is okay. Last time I suddenly felt really bad, then the baby died and I gradually started to feel better. I really hope that's not what's happening this time. It sucks that I can't just enjoy this pregnancy.

On the other hand, I think that my illness at the start of the week could be due to stress. I got a bit upset after the spotting (had a bit more of that yesterday but I think it's all okay). Pregnancy can be quite a lonely experience, especially in this early stage. Thank goodness Toby is being really supportive, making sure I eat well and not minding when I'm a bit useless around the house. I still feel a bit queasy so that's a good thing (I can handle a little bit of queasiness, it reminds me I'm pregnant) and my boobs are still swollen and sore so I still feel pregnant. I am constantly flipping from worrying to looking on the bright side. I figure this is all just practice for when I'm a mother, especially if I have a son, which I'm sure I will.

We have our appointment with the obstetrician on Monday and I'm a bit nervous. I just hope everything is okay and we see a heartbeat. I'll feel a little bit better, I think. I'm surprised at how anxious I am. I remember Dr Stokes saying I would probably feel this way so he'd try to give me an early appointment, and I remember thinking "oh no, I'll be fine" but I'm not really. I guess he's seen it all before and I'm just being normal.

By the way, it's a beautiful day outside and I wish I was snoozing on the beach instead of stuck at my desk.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Mornings are hard

I can't believe how bad I've been feeling in the mornings these past couple of days. Yesterday was particularly bad. I think I was still feeling pretty rotten after the weekend's stresses but it didn't help that I woke up to the smell of Toby frying pork chops. Even before I was pregnant I couldn't stand the smell of meat cooking in the morning but now it's just painful.

All through the morning at work I struggled. I went to have my blood tests done at lunchtime and then in the afternoon I was exhausted. By 3pm I was just praying for it to fast forward to five. My eyes were blurry and it was incredibly difficult to concentrate on anything.

I met Toby at home and he drove to yoga because I don't think I was alert enough to drive. Sherry gave me lots of easy restorative poses to do to help with my nausea and my back. I still kept feeling sick on and off throughout the class. It's the first time yoga hasn't really made me feel better.

Hunger pangs woke me at 5am this morning. I lay in bed for a while trying to ignore them but they weren't so much the "oh I could fancy a bite to eat" kind of pains as the feeling that if I didn't eat soon my stomach would turn itself inside-out and try to escape my body through my mouth in protest. I didn't want that so I dragged myself out of bed and ate a bowl of bran flakes before going back to sleep again.

When I next woke up around 7am I didn't feel as nauseous as yesterday but I did feel tired and light-headed. When I finally dragged myself out of bed my whole body felt as heavy as lead and all my limbs ached. Sherry had suggested that my nausea could be viral and I'm beginning to think she could be right. As I said to Toby this morning, if I wasn't pregnant there is no way I'd consider going to work if I felt like this.

I forced some more breakfast down but it was a struggle. The nausea had set in by this time and I knew I'd feel better after food but it took a while and was a real battle of the wills. I don't think I feel as bad as yesterday morning but I have had some unpleasant moments. I just want to go home and curl up in bed for the rest of the day.

Meanwhile, the project I was worried about still hasn't started as the design agency failed to deliver the HTML on time. In a way it's probably a good thing for me as there is very little chance of us meeting our deadline now so it probably isn't worth me stressing about. I can only do what I can do and if I have to, I'll tell my boss and anyone else who needs to know why I'm not performing. These things can't be helped and my baby is more important than getting the website redesigned by a particular date.

My bras seem to be getting too small for me. I really want to buy some new clothes too but I'm reluctant to get a maternity bra or any large clothes until further into the pregnancy. I may do some shopping at the weekend and get a couple of things to keep me going, including a new hairdryer as my old one blew up last week. I seem unable to regulate my body temperature lately and really feel the cold, which isn't helped by having wet hair in the cold mornings.

Oh and some good news. The cat has thown up on the tiles. It was so much easier to clean up than the carpet. I'm beginning to wonder whether I should take him to the vets as he's doing it a lot lately.

Monday, June 16, 2008

Ah! Freak out

Well I know what spotting is now because it happened to me. And boy did it FREAK ME OUT. I'm not quite sure why it freaked me out so much but I almost gave myself a panic attack. Here's a bit of background.

We were camping on North Stradbroke Island. My back had been sore for a week but was on the mend. I'd decided that I was well enough for a nice walk with Toby and some friends. We walked along the beach and round a headland and then along another beach and round another headland and so on. We went for a coffee, my first in ages. I ordered a weak coffee and fully expected to not be able to finish it but I did and I enjoyed every sip. We then continued our walk. I'm not really sure how much further we walked although I could work it out. It took us a while because we stopped to watch a pod of 30 or 40 dolphins surfing and jumping out of the water. It was so beautiful. At the end of the walk I went to the toilet and when I wiped - excuse me if too much information; sensitive eyes may stop reading now - found a small dark red blood clot about the size of my little finger nail on the paper.

I immediately panicked. Was the coffee a bad idea? Was the walk a bad idea? Was I going to have a miscarriage? Would I be better off if I was at home? What should I do? Did I need to take it easy or not worry? Should I seek medical attention? I'd had a feeling something like this might happen. I had noticed a very slight stain on the paper a couple of times when I'd been to the toilet that morning. I think one of them must have happened in the night as I remember having a sort of daydream that I started to bleed whilst no one was around but me and my friend and so I ended up telling her I was pregnant.

I managed to control my breathing and calm down a little. When I came out of the bathroom I waited to discreetly tell Toby and we sat down for a while on the pretense that my back was sore. Our friends offered to walk back and get the car but Toby ran after them and told them what was going on. Lucie came and sat with me and Toby whilst Scott went for the car.

On the way into the campsite Toby noticed an ambulance on the beach so whilst I lay down and got comfortable with some water and pillows and tried to relax, he and Scott ran down the beach to chat to the paramedic. Before she left the beach she called into the campsite to reassure me. She said it was perfectly normal and that I should take it easy, try to relax and let Toby look after me. She said if it was an actual miscarriage it would be more like a period with lots of blood and cramping. I was cramping a little but I think it was mainly because the super hot curry we'd had the night before hadn't yet evacuated. I started to over-analyse every symptom. She said my anxiety levels were probably high because I'd lost my previous pregnancy but that the only way to know for sure whether the baby was okay would be to do an internal ultrasound and they didn't have those facilities on the island. If I was worried I could be transported back to the mainland.

I decided just to take it easy and later that evening I was feeling well enough to go to the house that the rest of our friends were staying in for dinner. However, the spotting and feeling uneasy continued, and each time I noticed spotting, usually after going to the toilet, it made me a little bit upset. By this time the spotting was more like a dark discharge than blood clots. The colour was more of a brownish colour indicating that it was residual from the clot I'd lost earlier. I was relieved we'd told our friends as it was really nice having someone else there who knew what I was going through.

The next morning it was still happening and I wasn't feeling great. Not nauseous as usual but mentally and emotionally abstracted. Even the lack of nausea worried me. Did it mean my levels of HCG were lowering, which can indicate the baby's growth has slowed or stopped? I told myself it was just because I was extremely relaxed and in an environment where I could laze around and do nothing. The morning is a bit of a blur. My friend had her own personal trauma when she lost something of immense sentimental value and became really upset. I couldn't do much to console her and can't remember much about the event. I don't know if this inability to remember clearly is a normal symptom of pregnancy. I have muddled up the order in which things happened and can't remember details. I remember feeling unwell and just wanting to chill out on my own and then a load of our friends (who don't know I'm pregnant) turned up and I felt like I had to put on a strong face. It seemed like people just kept arriving at the site but I can't remember who specifically or what we talked about, what order they arrived in, who they were with. It's bizarre. Is this what people mean when they talk about "pregnancy brain"? Or is it possible it's stress related?

Eventually we got home but by then I was exhausted. I was really stressed about how upset my friend was on top of everything else. I was also upset, probably selfishly given her circumstances, that she hadn't asked how I was feeling or how the spotting was. I felt like I'd lost her support after only having it for a short while and I was missing it. But I realise she had her own things to concern her. I think I was probably being quite hormonal and hyper-sensitive. I had a warm shower and chilled out with my books, reading up on spotting. I was put a bit more at ease by what I read. It seems no one quite knows why some spotting occurs (some is implant bleeding and others occur when the period would normally be due but mine was neither) but it is quite common and doesn't seem to be harmful. I just wish it would stop so I could stop worrying about it.

I went to bed
exhausted at 8.30pm but was still awake at 9.30pm. All through the night I woke up with discomfort in my stomach, a bit nauseous but more like intestinal cramping. Finally in the morning I was able to go to the toilet and relieve myself but the intense nausea crept in and I've been feeling pretty rotten on and off all morning. The off periods don't seem to last very long and I'm struggling to focus at work. Because it isn't that long since I was last like this, plus I had so much time off work last week with my bad back, I feel like I can't tell anyone how I feel. I keep taking deep breaths to try and ward off the nausea so I'm sure they can tell I'm not quite right.

I'm trying very hard not to get stressed but it's difficult. My friend is upset, I'm experiencing spotting, work is crazy (although at the moment I'm twiddling my thumbs waiting for the work to be delivered), I feel absolutely awful but don't feel like I can tell anyone. I think I'll get my blood tests done today and next Monday is my appointment with the obstetrician. After that I'll feel better about telling close friends and family but I'd rather not tell work until it's a bit more definite and by then this crazy period will probably be over.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Six weeks and queasy

I hit the six week mark today and the nausea has set in. I could almost date my pregnancy by it. I'm struggling through work with my bad back and queasiness. I don't know if I'll make it through the day. I'm also feeling a bit apprehensive about the weekend especially the car and ferry journey. I can see I'll probably end up telling a couple of close friends that I'm pregnant in order to explain how I'm feeling and why I'm not drinking or up to doing much. On the other hand keeping active might make me feel better.

I really hope my back is sorted by then or the journey could be tricky. I might take my hot water bottle just to make sure I can stay warm at night. Although it could be dangerous filling it from a saucepan.

I am eating often (I'd say little and often but I had a huge breakfast which probably wasn't a wise idea) to keep the nausea at bay. I think I will take lots of water crackers with me this weekend. I definitely feel pregnant now. It's just amazing how it kicks in at exactly six weeks. I think this happened last time too. I'd been feeling fine nausea-wise up until now and was hoping I could get away with a fairly easy sickness-free pregnancy this time. Just so long as I'm not vomiting. Unlike the damn cat. There are four dirty yellow stains on our lounge carpet now and I've lost many hours scrubbing the floor when I should have been resting my back. Why does he have to vomit on the carpet when there are so many tiles in the house? It must be a cat thing. My cat, Dylan, who lives with my mother, apparently does the same thing.

I've noticed when I get up in the night to go to the toilet my boobs are particularly sore. Through the day they're not too bad especially when I'm wearing a bra.

Every now and again I keep thinking "oh my god, we're having a baby," and then I try and imagine what it will be like. But I don't want to dwell on it too much in case it doesn't happen. I think that there is no way I could lose this pregnancy and not be devastated. It's awful going through these feelings of nausea to get nothing in return, knowing if you want to have a baby you have to go through it all again. The sense of loss is quite surprising given you never really had the thing in the first place, just the promise of it. I keep thinking that it's unlikely it'll happen to me again but in actual fact the chances are exactly the same. It's hard to believe it's really happening but that wouldn't make it any easier to deal with if it didn't. So I'm excited but apprehensive. Everything seems to be making me apprehensive at the moment.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Damn hormones

Damn hormones! They've got a lot to answer for. Not only have I had it on two authorities (physio and yoga instructor) that the recent shift in my hormones has probably not helped my back problems in the slightest, but as I write this I have tears streaming down my face.

I have just heard that my colleague's brother died suddenly over the weekend. My friend and his wife were on a plane heading back to England at the time. They arrived 22 hours after his brother died. He leaves a wife, a 9 year old son and a 7 month old daughter.

This is just the saddest thing I have heard in a long time. Richard and I often have chats about what it's like living away from our families, how much we miss them and how difficult it is to get home. I know they wanted to visit this year anyway but then they bought a house so I realise they can barely afford their trip. His brother wasn't diagnosed very long ago and when Richard found out we had a big discussion about how we wish we could just pop back from time to time.

So many things about this make me sad.

Firstly, it's a sad story anyway.

Secondly, Richard and his wife, Sue are my friends and it's always difficult to see your friends go through a seriously tough time.

Thirdly, with death comes disbelief. I didn't know Richard's brother but I just can't believe he's dead. It was only a few weeks ago that we heard about his illness (hairy cell leukaemia) and the prognosis was reasonable. Unfortunately last week he caught a chest infection and no matter what antibiotics they pumped into him his body was just too weakened by the illness and the cancer treatment to fight it off. It seems as I'm getting older I am hearing of more and more people being killed by variations of this horrific disease, and often with little warning too.

Fourthly, I can fully empathise with Richard's situation; being away from home and not being able to have been there when his brother became ill. I remember how useless and far away I felt when Auntie Anne became ill and then died of cancer three Christmases ago. I keep thinking about it happening to me, imagining my sister becoming terminally ill but with a reasonable prognosis so I start thinking, "When would I like to go home? It'd be nice to wait until Clare is feeling a bit better so we can spend some time together rather than me bugging her whilst she's feeling ill. But maybe I should go sooner to show support." So I'm still thinking about it when I hear she's taken a turn for the worst. I think, "If she doesn't get any better by the weekend I'll go home." By the weekend I've booked myself on a plane. I'm really looking forward to seeing my family but sad that it's in such awful circumstances. I'm looking forward to helping Alan out with Lucy so he can spend more time with Clare. Most of all I'm looking forward to seeing my sister and showing her how much she means to me. I secretly hope that I can be the boost that pulls her through. I get off the plane. My parents meet me. They look awful. They don't even need to tell me in words. I burst into tears and fall into their arms. They take me to my sister's house. She's not there. Just Alan and Lucy. I hug them both and I just don't know what to do. Nothing will ever be the same again. Life as I know it is over. Please don't let this ever happen to me. Poor Richard.

Finally, most selfishly, and of least importance, we are just starting a project to redesign the website at work. We should have everything we need by Monday and we have very tight timescales. Richard will be away for the next three weeks at least. I will be six weeks pregnant on Wednesday. I am in two minds about whether this is a good thing or not (the project, not the pregnancy). A structured project may be just what I need to keep me focused at work and stop me placing all my energy into a pregnancy that could end the same way the last one did. On the other hand I really don't want to get stressed and the lady in charge of the website from a business perspective is a stressful person. I haven't been involved much in the beginning stages... actually what annoyed me last week was that they were having a meeting about timescales etc. and I couldn't make Thursday because of my first aid course. I need to do this because I'm a fire warden which, incidentally, is voluntary. Another lady couldn't make Friday but she's leaving at the start of July anyway so I was astonished when my boss arranged the meeting for Thursday so that she could be there. I'll be at a stage in pregnancy where I'm uncomfortable with telling people, particularly at work. It's just the kind of work I've been wanting to pop up for ages now but the circumstances are hardly ideal. Richard mentioned in his email that he realises his absence will be hard on me with regards to the project; little does he know. In short, I'm feeling extremely apprehensive.

I think my emotions might now be under control enough for me to be able to go and make some lunch, if I can find some food. I will try not to think about it any further. I must use this afternoon for relaxation and sorting my back out. After the fall-out I've just had though, I'm really glad I was at home when I found out about all this, and not at work as I should have been.

Monday, June 9, 2008

A right bundle of laughs

I am so exhausted.

I have been in pain for almost four days now and it has made me quite exhausted. I have lost an entire long weekend, achieving only minor triumphs, such as polishing up the ceramic hob a treat, re-potting some of my more lanky seedlings and a load or two of washing. Yippee-do.

I am in two minds as to whether to go to yoga tonight. I think it would do me good but I don't want to just turn up expecting to get personal attention and take Sheree away from the rest of the class; I really am still quite stiff and immobile. At least I can almost walk straight now though. I'm also not sure the drive up there would do me much good and, as I said, I'm so exhausted.

I tried to phone Sheree, figuring if she's okay with it I may as well go. At that point I also thought I'd send a text message to a colleague whose brother back in England is seriously ill. This chap is thinking he might even have to fly home this week. I wanted to check on his brother and also tell him I mightn't be at work tomorrow. That was when I remembered that my phone credit period had expired and I had to put my new voucher in. I bought it when I dragged myself to the shop with my mother-in-law on Saturday. She was very helpful and insisted on carrying the heavy bags. As such when we got home it all got confusing. We were all tired and running around doing all sorts of things: putting flowers in water, unpacking groceries, sticking a new shower caddy in and preparing a new litter tray for the cats. The voucher and receipt became mislaid amongst all this and I've no idea where they are. I've searched the kitchen, the bin, the recyle bin. I haven't done the outside bins but I don't think we've emptied anything over this weekend.

I'm annoyed because it's wasted money if I don't find it plus I can't use my phone and I'm probably too tired to look effectively so I could have just missed it. Anyway, I then tried to phone Sheree on the house phone but she didn't answer. I can't text message her because my phone won't work. It's all too hard and I just want to sleep. Or snuggle up in front of a DVD... if I can get myself into a comfortable position that is. I'm thinking it might be a better idea not to go and to try to see my physio tomorrow.

I'm a right bundle of laughs, aren't I? At least it's only a three day work week. I'm not even going to think about how much work I have to do.

Friday, June 6, 2008

Hurty hurty ow ow (week 5-6)

What a busy week. There have been so many times when I've thought "ooh... must stick that in my diary" but I just haven't had the chance. I can't remember what most of them are now so I'll tell you the predominant thought I have right now.


I have such a sore back. It's really not amusing. I spent most of yesterday on my knees bending over to administer imaginary first aid to drunken mountain bikers and agitated electricians (both also imaginary but very convincing), not to mention the unconscious, non-breathing dummy with no heartbeat. (Well, it was a dummy, what did they expect? Made us administer CPR anyway. Ridiculous.) I spent a lot of my mental energy concentrating profusely on what I was doing, so keen was I to help these imaginary victims. As such absolutely no thought was given to my posture and I'm paying for it now.

It probably didn't help that I then jumped in the car and drove 35km up the coast for my yoga class. We decided not to go on Monday night thanks to torrential rain all day, which flooded parts of the coast. This morning I got up and went to Pilate's before staggering around Woolworths with a shopping basket picking up stuff for morning tea and doing other shopping at the same time. Why I stupidly decided I'd be fine with a basket, I don't know. Bad back, basket filled to the brim with white spirit (called mineral turpentine or mineral spirits in Australia, I learned the other day after wondering why I could never find any in the shop), soda water, two bottles of juice, a selection of goodies for morning tea, ceramic hob cleaner and a pumpkin and then attempting to carry in my free hand a 12 pack of toilet rolls and a bag of cat food. Not the wisest thing I've done this week.

By the time I got to work I could barely move. Then the lift broke. Bloody marvelous. I'm just pleased I wasn't in it at the time. Every time I leave my desk I have to pause for a while to let my body wake up a bit or I literally can't walk. Then when I do find myself able to get on the move it bloody well hurts and I hobble like an octogenarian. Sitting in a chair all day is not helping. Ow ow ow. A colleague gave me some ibuprofen this morning. Don't worry, I looked it up first and it's fine in the first and second trimester as long as it's just on occasion. Didn't help much though.

This morning my first thought (which was also my last thought last night and before I realised I was still a cripple) was "ow... sore boobs". I struggled to do the seated row in the gym on Tuesday thanks to this new disability. I might have to drop that one from my gym program. The rest of my gym session was great though. I felt like I was over my virus and had a burst of energy. I went for a swim on Wednesday and that felt great too. On Wednesday evening, however, I was a tad achy and I'm not sure whether it was thanks to the virus playing funny buggers with me ("Hello! Did you miss me?") or the trials of early pregnancy. It's fairly hard to tell.

At one point this week I wondered whether I might give birth to an alien baby on account of the strange triangular marks on my skin. When my period was due I had a triangle of pimples on my right cheek, then a few days later I noticed a triangle of other marks on the right hand side of my neck, which may have been pimples, or possibly mosquito bites OR... the mark of the Triangle Aliens. I mean, what are the chances of having two triangular sets of pimples on the same side of your body at the same time? Thankfully they've all gone now because the ones on my neck were really itchy. I wonder if they gave me a super-power whilst they were at it.

I have suffered from itchy skin too, only occasionally and mainly near my belly button or on my chest. Thankfully that hasn't happened much because it is really annoying.

My lovely trim belly disappeared at the start of this week and I'm feeling a bit more bloated now. It comes and goes but I definitely feel bigger although I haven't put on any weight. Some days it's hard to find clothes that are comfortable. It's very disappointing. I was loving my trimmed belly and it disappeared as soon as it came, tantalising me with visions of flat abs and being able to disguise being pregnant for many months to come.

I also had my last glass of wine this week. It's just not worth it. When I smell it I want to taste it but after about a third of a glass I've had enough and then I feel guilty for drinking it in the first place. I read last time around that between 6 and 10 weeks the embryo is particularly sensitive to influences from its environment, including (and probably in particular) what mother eats and drinks. So from next Wednesday no caffeine and no alcohol for a month. I'm also going to try to be careful with sugar and fat and processed foods. The only thing I'm a bit worried about is our camping trip to Straddie next weekend. It's going to be very hard not to drink caffeine or alcohol or eat bad foods without tongues wagging. I'm sure Lucie already suspects and I don't know what to do if she asks me. I don't want to lie about it but I'm just not ready to tell people yet and I don't really want her and Scott knowing too long before we tell our families. I thought I'd wait at least until I see Dr Stokes on 23rd June. I told Sherry, our yoga instructor, last night because I want to feel comfortable in yoga and I'm not sure I would if I didn't know she knew. I may have interpreted her wrong but she basically told me not to get too excited, only she used the words "stay open to it" or something, whatever that means. I'll probably tell Christine, my physio, at my appointment with her next Thursday.

Not feeling too great right now. Stomach sore. Feels a bit crampy. Can't quite tell what it is but it could be due to what I've eaten today (had a couple of biscuits - naughty, naughty.) My jeans feel too tight and I can't get in a comfortable position for my tummy thanks to my dodgy back. I need to go home and have a nice warm bath with Epsom salts and do lots of stretching, I think. Oh! Are Epsom salts okay in pregnancy? So much to think about. Hang on! I'll do a quick Google and let you know.

Well fifteen minutes of searching and browsing later and I'm none the wiser. The jury appears to be out. It certainly doesn't seem to be advisable to drink Epsom salts to help with constipation whilst pregnant, but it is okay to sit in Epsom salted water if you have hemorrhoids, neither of which gems of advice are particularly helpful to me. My physio recommended Epsom salts but then I forgot to tell her I was pregnant. Maybe I'll just lie on a hot water bottle.

Sunday, June 1, 2008

I can keep a secret

I'm quite excited about being pregnant but also surprisingly chilled out about it, so far at least. Last time I was a nervous wreck and could barely keep it to myself and when I did I was convinced it was obvious I was hiding something, which it probably was given the frame of mind I was in.

I know it's early days but I have felt no inclination to tell anyone that I'm pregnant yet, not family nor friends, no one other than Toby. I'm not sure when I will feel like telling people or when it's a good idea to tell people. Perhaps waiting until my appointment with the obstetrician is a good time, but then again it was after our appointment last time that we found out about the missed miscarriage and I'm not sure it's a good idea to try and go through something like that on our own.

I'm feeling a little guilty today. I had two cups of chai tea this morning without really thinking about it, one with breakfast and even used it to swallow my multi-vitamin. Then round at Scott and Lucie's I was offered a green tea and stupidly said yes even though I wasn't sure it was a good idea and I'd already had two cups of chai. Apparently green tea, and to a lesser extent black tea, decreases the absorption of folic acid, which every expectant mother knows is vital to prevent abnormalities such as spina bifida in a baby. Using tea to swallow my vitamin was just dumb. Then tonight, at Libbette's I was poured some wine and didn't feel like I could refuse to take a few sips. I didn't drink the whole glass. I didn't feel like it and started to get a headache so used the virus as an excuse and gave Betty what I'd left. I'm not really too worried but I kind of feel like I should be. I have a number of occasions where I'm going to have to somehow avoid alcohol over the next few weeks: dinner at Scott and Lucie's on Wednesday, which shouldn't be too hard; then a big weekend get-together with friends in two weeks. So maybe I will end up telling a few close friends or, more likely, I'll be asked.