Saturday, May 31, 2008

Definitely pregnant: second home test conclusive

Nuff said.

Unfortunately my predicted last weekend of normalcy before pregnancy tiredness kicks in has been hijacked by an evil virus kindly given me by my loving husband. I'm lethargic, tired and aching; aching head, limbs, joints, neck. It's hard to determine what is thanks to the pregnancy and what is additional but due to the aching I'm pretty sure it's more than just pregnancy symptoms.

Will go about making my various appointments on Monday. Toby and I are quite excited but I don't really feel like telling anyone just yet. I suppose I should probably tell my yoga instructor on Monday though.

Friday, May 30, 2008

Probably pregnant

Day 30 of my cycle. I did a pregnancy test this morning and the result was "probably pregnant". Useful.

Last night I decided I definitely felt pregnant. My boobs started to feel a bit more tender. It was a familiar feeling and seemed like the last piece of the puzzle. So this morning as soon as I woke up I weed on a stick. Now, last time I got pregnant and did this the stick immediately registered me as being so. There was absolutely no doubt.

This time I used a different type of stick and boy was it slow. At first I thought "oh... not pregnant. That's strange because I'm pretty sure I am. Oh well I'll do another one tomorrow." I even dragged Toby in to show him, so incredulous was I.

"Yep. Not pregnant," he agreed.

"Well, it says to give it 3 minutes so I'll just sit and stare at it for a while and see if it changes."

Which I did, and it did. Slowly, a very faint line started to appear in the test window.

"See, here's a line!" I exclaimed, thrusting the stick at Toby.

"Hmmmm..." I could see he wasn't convinced. "I think you need to do another one."

The line did get slightly darker but not much and when I checked the instructions they said that the test line may appear lighter than the other and this means I am probably pregnant. What a useless test. I don't want to know whether I'm probably pregnant. I already knew that I was probably pregnant. I want to know if I am or if I am not.

The test shows levels of HCG (Human chorionic gonadotropin) in the body. By day 30 I would expect there to be conclusive levels so it could be a sign that all is not well. However, I'm more inclined to think that it's just a stupid useless test so on the way to work today I'm going to call in at the chemist and pick up one of the brand I used last time. Not that I especially want to go to work or get out of the car at all on the way. It's absolutely bucketing down. Hope I brought my umbrella home yesterday.

If I am pregnant the due date is approximately 5th February 2009, an acceptable distance from Christmas I think. And if the whole Boy Sperm Swims Fast, Girl Sperm Swims Slow theory is to be believed than I think I will be having a boy. Would still prefer a girl though I think.

It's typical that no sooner did I wax lyrical about the benefits of not being pregnant that I probably am pregnant. It is the case though that I am probably much better off fitness-wise than I was last time. Except for my bad back for which I blame my bike. And I'm way less freaked out this time because I've already been through the emotional stuff. I suspect I may struggle with accepting the pregnancy or breezing through it worry-free given my history. But anyway, all this could be premature as currently I'm only probably pregnant. I'll keep you posted.

Thursday, May 29, 2008


Something feels different.

Three days ago I told Toby that I was feeling a bit uncomfortable from being pre-menstrual but that I didn't feel pregnant. But now I'm not so sure. Just like last time I have felt like my period is on its way for a few days now. It's Day 29, one day late, and I've got that slightly-constipated-even-though-I'm-not-and-feeling-like-I-need-to-poo-
often-even-though-I-don't feeling... just like last time. Boobs don't feel as tender as I remember them being last time, however I also felt that the afore-mentioned feeling was the overriding one. I then went on to say, and I quote:
I'm expecting Prunella to arrive today. I wish she'd hurry up so I can get the "feeling not quite right" bit over with. I am so lucky that Prunella is generally pretty easy on me. Many other girls get very sick at this time of month and the worst I get is a slightly dodgy stomach and the occasional mild headache. Still, it's a bit irritating.

That is exactly how I'm feeling right now. Also, three days ago I didn't actually think it was possible for me to be pregnant, but now that I still haven't got my period I realise that the timing was actually right for me to get pregnant this month after all. I keep rushing off to the toilet to see whether Prunella has arrived... I suppose 29 days isn't too late.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Another baby

Forgot to mention in my last post that I've just found out about another baby. Another one!!! Can you belieeeeeeeeeve it??! I almost can't. Only this time it's not a pregnancy, it's an actual baby. Somehow I managed to lose touch with a friend for so long she went and got pregnant, gestated an entire baby, gave birth to it and then managed to grow it for 13 days. Obviously that was a bit too long between emails. I'm actually really, really happy about this baby. I don't necessarily see that as a sign that I'm all better and not crazy any more. I think there are a few reasons why I'm happy about this one. Firstly, it's an actual baby, not a pregnancy. Somehow that makes it better. It was all well underway before I found out about mine so she's not copying like everyone else. Secondly, she's a wee bit older than me and her hubby is even older than her (late thirties, early forties) and they're both such lovely people that I can't be anything but happy for them. Thirdly, I've been wondering for some time whether they'd have a baby and I've kind of been waiting for the email saying they were for a couple of years now. When I contacted my friend to see how she was I had a feeling that she might either be expecting or already a mother. It's very exciting.

The good things

I should really be doing work rather than writing this, especially as I have just spent about half an hour writing a post for my other blog and prior to that we had a power cut for about an hour or so but once the creative juices get flowing, it's so terribly hard to stop them. Besides I have something to say, and you know me, I just can't keep quiet when there's something on the tip of my tongue.

Basically, I just wanted to briefly point out a few good things about not being pregnant.

Firstly, my main blog is benefiting significantly. The fatigue of pregnancy followed by the doldroms of miscarriage so sapped my creative energy that after whinging on this blog there was nothing left for my other one. Given that I'm pretty much the only person that reads this blog, this wasn't a good thing. Now I'm back on track and I just can't get the ideas out of my head and onto the website quick enough. Clearly I am going to have to figure out how to earn money from this little hobby of mine.

Secondly, I am feeling fit. I have had the energy and time to devote to my pilates and try to get my sciatica under control. It still bothers me but I feel so much stronger. I think the next step is to get in there with some deep tissue massage and try and work out the tightness. I've spent much of my time sitting on a tennis ball which is definitely helping and I'm thinking of seeking the services of my remedial masseur for a bit of a head-start. I'm feeling quite positive about it all though. It has also been great getting back into the gym, swimming and riding my bike after a long break.

Thirdly, I am feeling and looking trim, thanks to Toby's candida diet. I haven't been eating carbs (much) in the evenings and I reckon I look pretty good for it, certainly much better than I'd look if pregnant. Apparently I'd be half-way through my pregnancy by now. I certainly wouldn't be feeling trim that's for sure.

So, sure it sucks and there are hard times but hey! There are good times too. Hurrah!!!

Saturday, May 10, 2008

Back in Blighty

I was back in Blighty when I started writing this but now I'm back in Oz, looking for the wizard, who is, by all accounts, rather wonderful. A bit of a whizz at what he does, apparently, which is wonderful things.

It appears that the entire world, except for me, is now pregnant. I haven't had confirmation from absolutely everyone I know yet but I am expecting to in the next few weeks.

Firstly, after a 30 hour trip from my home in Australia to my sister's home in Newcastle, I went to a pub for some lunch with my Dad, sister and baby niece, whereupon Clare asked if I'd heard the recent "good news". Dad shifted uncomfortably as Clare proceeded to tell a story of my young cousin, who seems somewhat younger than his 18 years, calling my Gran to tell her the good news: that he had knocked up his girlfriend (my words, not his, presumably) and they were expecting a baby in November. I groaned inwardly: November, a month after our baby should have been born. Clare's story didn't stop there as she told me of Gran's reactions and various comments on the subject, none of which I can remember but suffice to say all were negative, none positive. The jet-lag and lack of sleep, followed by this shocking news and the distress that I had been in the country not much longer than five minutes and already I was being reminded of my recent loss, all combined to make me feel quite depressed and a bit lonely. I politely suggested that we could stop talking about it now and I think she realised her faux pas, but with all due respect to her it was probably better that I found out straight away when I was feeling low anyway. It got all the nasty stuff over with in one day.

I managed to avoid much conversation with said cousin at the christening as I really didn't want to venture into the topic of babies, pregnancy or "good news". I have mixed feelings regarding the whole thing and I won't go into too much detail but I am sympathetic (accidents do happen), concerned (are they responsible enough? what will happen to this baby? does he realise what he's getting himself into? have they considered all of the options? how can he raise a child on a glass collector's wage?) and bloody annoyance at the irony and timing of the whole thing and the fact that the majority of the family don't know what I'm going through.

I also managed to successfully avoid any questions regarding when Toby and I would be having children, which my mother had warned could happen. Thank god... what with the jet-lag and news of my cousin, I don't know how I would have responded.

Secondly, on a lovely day out with an old university friend and her husband, my friend announced that she is expecting a baby at the start of October. October!! What the? I couldn't not tell her what I'd been through but I felt terrible doing it, like I was stealing her thunder. "I see your good news regarding a pregnancy and I raise you bad news about a miscarriage. Ha! Beat that missus". The babies would have been due about a week apart. How lovely it would have been to have a child the same age as one of my good friends'. Oh! the cruelty of life. My friend was very understanding of my desire to share my not so good news, and she was also reassuring, telling me tales of other friends who had been through similar things. Once that was all out of the way we were able to excitedly talk about her pregnancy and plans for the future.

Thirdly, last night via Facebook, reading between the lines (sort of) of a post left on an ex-London-colleague's wall by another ex-London-colleague, I realised that his partner is also pregnant.

If you look back over my previous posts you'll see that I kind of guessed this might happen. Or at least I thought that I might hear about someone else getting pregnant and feel super sensitive about it, and imagine that I'm surrounded by pregnant people. I tried to prepare myself for it. But really!! I AM surrounded by pregnant people. It's ridiculous. How many more people want to bloody well get preggers and rub my face in it?

It really bugs me. It's like everyone's stealing my idea and getting to do it before me. I think I could be very chilled out about having babies if other people would stop doing it first. It's possible I've been ovulating since I got back and everytime Toby and I tumble together in the sack I start freaking out, thinking "oh my god... that could have just got me pregnant - crap" yet I feel incredibly down when I hear about other people having babies. I am clearly not entirely sane. I don't make any sense whatsoever. I am a walking, confused contradiction.

I'm jet-lagged and really sensitive to noise today. Right now I want to clobber a colleauge for talking too loudly. Strange, 'cause usually I quite like this fella.

Incidentally, I figured out what was probably wrong with me when I was feeling jippy last month. I think it was a virus as it developed into a cold just before I flew to UK. I think I'd rather that than the thing Toby currently thinks is the matter at him, which is Candida and requires a sugar- and carb-fast. Boring.