Ug (week 8-9)

I'm so sick of morning sickness, so goddam bored with it. I was starting to feel a bit better on Wednesday. I even went to the gym that night (big milestone, most exciting). For a split second I thought, "oh no! What if the bean has died?" then I realised that I still felt pregnant. Then I thought, "oh no! But that's what happened last time," and then realised that last time I didn't really start feeling better until after we'd found out the bean had died. And then I thought, "stop being so bloody stupid. You can't possibly know what's going on in there and there's not much you can do about it anyway so just CHILL OUT and enjoy not feeling like shite," which I did and started looking forward to our meal out on Friday night for mother-in-law's 60th birthday and planning what I might have.

But by the time Friday came around I was feeling like shite again and had a stonking headache all day. Work hurt, especially in the morning when it took me a while to get my thinking going. I was horribly embarrassed to have to go to a meeting with the design agency and ask questions about what on earth was in their heads when they designed the website this way. I felt stupid and struggled to get my thoughts in order. Thankfully, it turned out that the design agency weren't really that clever either, so when I said, "why did you develop it this way? It seems the only way you can change the image on the homepage now is by using server-side code to dynamically change the background image in the style sheet!" to which the design agency replied, "yes, that's exactly how we envisaged it working", to which I opened and closed my mouth a few times like goldfish thinking, "and how much did we pay these people?"

Sorry for the tech ramble there. I've been enveloped in it this week and now I have to get my thoughts together for Richard's return on Tuesday, bearing in mind that I've to be kind to him because he'll be bereaved and jet-lagged. Being organised feels just ever so slightly beyond my capabilities at the moment.

So I muddled through dinner, struggling to find something I fancied on the menu, massaging my poor head (which is now sore and bruised from the massage) and downing water like it was going out of fashion. I was saved by any potential pregnancy speculation over avoiding alcohol as my sore head was an excellent reason to do so. I think my mother-in-law suspected anyway as she grilled me as to what could possibly be causing my headache, and when I responded tiredness and stress she wanted to know what had made me tired and stressed. Work, I told her then reminded her of Richard's absence and the project. I had intended to indulge in a glass of celebratory bubbly but couldn't even manage that as my head got worse as the night went on, not helped by the fat lady with the loud voice and shrill laugh on the table behind us. In the end no one bothered. My brother-in-law was even worse off than I, having caught a horrible stomach bug from his toddler. He ended up running off to the toilets and vomiting and didn't manage to eat any of his dinner. I kept my distance. A stomach bug is the last thing I could do with at the moment. They left early and apparently both he and my sister-in-law spent the night throwing up. Nice.

Today hasn't been too bad. I bought a maternity bra because I have very few bras that currently fit me. I still haven't sorted out the massive pile of clothes on the bedroom chair, or those that have been sitting in the spare room since we moved in seven months ago. Tomorrow will do. I did prepare a couple of walls for slapping some sample paint onto though. Might try the first coat tonight so I can do the second coat in daylight tomorrow.

We also told my parents today. I arranged to phone them this morning rather than tomorrow night so that we could tell Toby's family this weekend. I told them I'd had an exciting week then rushed off to find the ultrasound print out. When I held it up to the camera Mam yelped, "I knew it! As soon as you said you'd had an exciting week, I knew it." I'm about to send my sister an SMS before she meets Dad for a coffee. It's a naff way to tell her but she's difficult to get over the phone. Mam and Dad are very excited and already talk has begun about when they will come over next year and whether Toby and I will make it over next July/August for a wedding reception/meet-the-baby party. Toby spent the day with his dad and really wanted to tell him about the baby but I thought it would be much nicer to tell his mum and dad at the same time. We'll probably tell them at breakfast tomorrow.

Anyway, I should go find myself some food. Toby and I are having real meal issues at the moment. He's on a bowel cleanse diet and I'm just getting really sick of having to eat the foods he can eat. I just want some simple comfort food like pasta or cottage pie. Toby thinks I have a yeast infection too because apparently they make you want to eat comfort food. And pregnancy doesn't? I do have a yeast infection on my skin though so he could be right but I'm not really sure what I can do about it whilst I'm trying to eat the right stuff for the baby and keep my energy levels up. Toby has found it difficult enough to get good advice so I'm not sure how I could get advice on dealing with a yeast infection in pregnancy. It's hard to diagnose and when Toby talked to our GP he kind of poo-pooed it a bit as there isn't much medical evidence of the existance of it or how it can be controlled by diet. He thinks it's all just the latest hype. He could be right. Remember a few years ago when everyone had a wheat allergy?

Coffee bad

I read a forum about babies and pregnancy and stuff. Lots of the ladies on there, many of whom would normally have a coffee every day, have gone off it. I haven't. I don't drink that much anyway. Sometimes I'll have a couple a week, or one every two days and very rarely go through a phase of one every day, but lately it's been more like one a week and only when the occasion arises.

Well I went for a coffee today with some colleagues. I'd decided to have a hot chocolate but when I got there the coffee smelt so good I ended up going for a mocha. It's not like I sit in the office and think "oh I just fancy a coffee" but when I smell it I want it and when I have it I enjoy it.

The thing is I'm now sitting here with my heart racing, feeling all airy fairy and a bit light headed. I don't know if it's pregnancy that intensifies the coffee rush or the fact that I don't drink it much lately but I'm a bit worried about my little bean. His heart races along as it is so what must the caffeine be doing to him (assuming he's a boy, he could be a girl)? I wonder if it's heart rate is always the same or if it increases when mine does.

The last time I had a coffee was the day I started spotting and I'm sure the coffee rush had a lot to do with my insanely panicky reaction. I'm currently feeling a bit breathless anyway and the caffeine definitely isn't helping. I think I should try to learn from this experience and not have any more coffee for a while. But of course, that would be the sensible thing to do...

Heartbeat

This is such an exciting day.

I had my appointment with the obstetrician this morning. I was so nervous. Even Toby was feeling a bit funny about things because of the association we had with the office and the doctor. We didn't have to wait long, which was good and we were led into the room where we'd heard the bad news last time. They told me that they'd do the scan straight away. It's just as well really as it would have been pointless checking my blood pressure beforehand. I could have told them it was through the roof.

It was an internal scan. Not a fantastic experience but not bad at all. At this stage the fetus is too small to see from a regular abdominal scan. I could barely bring myself to look at the screen. Then the doctor started teasing us. He showed me my bladder and told me it was full. He said he couldn't do the scan and I'd have to come back next week. Having just given a urine sample I was suspicious but pregnancy does seem to ensure you have a constant supply of wee. Toby suggested I go to the toilet. "Are you teasing us?" I asked the doctor. He laughed and showed us the pregnancy, as he calls it, then pointed out the fetus and the movement which indicates a heartbeat. He'd seen it all in an instant before he'd started teasing us. It must have flashed on the screen when I wasn't looking. I'm amazed that he could just glance at it and know that everything was okay.

It's not much to look at. It's a 1.2cm long bean-shaped blob which could really turn into anything, but seeing the heartbeat was amazing. We heard it too, racing along at 158 beats per second. A lovely, strong heartbeat. I realise that things could still go wrong and I'm still pretty anxious. If it does go wrong now it'll probably be even harder to deal with. Seeing the bean and it's little beat on the screen has made me all the more attached to it. I even have a photograph. My first photograph of my little bean.

The size was consistent with the dates. It's 7 weeks and 4 days old and due to be born on 5th February 2009. My next appointment is in 4 weeks.

Can you believe I had to come to work after that? I just wanted to go home and phone everyone I know. I feel a bit better about telling people now and can't wait to tell my mam and dad... if they aren't reading this and don't already know. Even if they are they need to have the formal notification and so that they don't guess I'm going to wait until my regular Skype chat with them on Sunday and show them the photograph.

I'm so relieved.

Nice day for a swim (week 7-8)

I just had to write a post because I am very excited. Today at lunchtime I went for a swim! I swam 650 metres which is only a couple of hundred less than usual. I am so pleased with myself, especially after almost fainting after pilates this morning (I had to sit in the car for a few minutes before I was okay to drive) and getting tired towards the end of a 20 minute walk yesterday evening. It seems fitting as the baby will probably be born in the sign of Aquarius that I spend my pregnancy swimming (and at the beach).

I'm now 7 weeks pregnant and I've been feeling a little bit better this past couple of days. I still feel queasy but not the full-on nausea I was experiencing at the start of the week. I am in two minds about how I feel regarding this. Obviously I'm relieved because I felt dreadful. I'd spend the first half of the day with my head in my hands groaning and feeling (and looking) hungover and like I could throw up any minute. But because of what happened last time I'm a little bit anxious that everything is okay. Last time I suddenly felt really bad, then the baby died and I gradually started to feel better. I really hope that's not what's happening this time. It sucks that I can't just enjoy this pregnancy.

On the other hand, I think that my illness at the start of the week could be due to stress. I got a bit upset after the spotting (had a bit more of that yesterday but I think it's all okay). Pregnancy can be quite a lonely experience, especially in this early stage. Thank goodness Toby is being really supportive, making sure I eat well and not minding when I'm a bit useless around the house. I still feel a bit queasy so that's a good thing (I can handle a little bit of queasiness, it reminds me I'm pregnant) and my boobs are still swollen and sore so I still feel pregnant. I am constantly flipping from worrying to looking on the bright side. I figure this is all just practice for when I'm a mother, especially if I have a son, which I'm sure I will.

We have our appointment with the obstetrician on Monday and I'm a bit nervous. I just hope everything is okay and we see a heartbeat. I'll feel a little bit better, I think. I'm surprised at how anxious I am. I remember Dr Stokes saying I would probably feel this way so he'd try to give me an early appointment, and I remember thinking "oh no, I'll be fine" but I'm not really. I guess he's seen it all before and I'm just being normal.

By the way, it's a beautiful day outside and I wish I was snoozing on the beach instead of stuck at my desk.

Mornings are hard

I can't believe how bad I've been feeling in the mornings these past couple of days. Yesterday was particularly bad. I think I was still feeling pretty rotten after the weekend's stresses but it didn't help that I woke up to the smell of Toby frying pork chops. Even before I was pregnant I couldn't stand the smell of meat cooking in the morning but now it's just painful.

All through the morning at work I struggled. I went to have my blood tests done at lunchtime and then in the afternoon I was exhausted. By 3pm I was just praying for it to fast forward to five. My eyes were blurry and it was incredibly difficult to concentrate on anything.

I met Toby at home and he drove to yoga because I don't think I was alert enough to drive. Sherry gave me lots of easy restorative poses to do to help with my nausea and my back. I still kept feeling sick on and off throughout the class. It's the first time yoga hasn't really made me feel better.

Hunger pangs woke me at 5am this morning. I lay in bed for a while trying to ignore them but they weren't so much the "oh I could fancy a bite to eat" kind of pains as the feeling that if I didn't eat soon my stomach would turn itself inside-out and try to escape my body through my mouth in protest. I didn't want that so I dragged myself out of bed and ate a bowl of bran flakes before going back to sleep again.

When I next woke up around 7am I didn't feel as nauseous as yesterday but I did feel tired and light-headed. When I finally dragged myself out of bed my whole body felt as heavy as lead and all my limbs ached. Sherry had suggested that my nausea could be viral and I'm beginning to think she could be right. As I said to Toby this morning, if I wasn't pregnant there is no way I'd consider going to work if I felt like this.

I forced some more breakfast down but it was a struggle. The nausea had set in by this time and I knew I'd feel better after food but it took a while and was a real battle of the wills. I don't think I feel as bad as yesterday morning but I have had some unpleasant moments. I just want to go home and curl up in bed for the rest of the day.

Meanwhile, the project I was worried about still hasn't started as the design agency failed to deliver the HTML on time. In a way it's probably a good thing for me as there is very little chance of us meeting our deadline now so it probably isn't worth me stressing about. I can only do what I can do and if I have to, I'll tell my boss and anyone else who needs to know why I'm not performing. These things can't be helped and my baby is more important than getting the website redesigned by a particular date.

My bras seem to be getting too small for me. I really want to buy some new clothes too but I'm reluctant to get a maternity bra or any large clothes until further into the pregnancy. I may do some shopping at the weekend and get a couple of things to keep me going, including a new hairdryer as my old one blew up last week. I seem unable to regulate my body temperature lately and really feel the cold, which isn't helped by having wet hair in the cold mornings.

Oh and some good news. The cat has thown up on the tiles. It was so much easier to clean up than the carpet. I'm beginning to wonder whether I should take him to the vets as he's doing it a lot lately.

Ah! Freak out

Well I know what spotting is now because it happened to me. And boy did it FREAK ME OUT. I'm not quite sure why it freaked me out so much but I almost gave myself a panic attack. Here's a bit of background.

We were camping on North Stradbroke Island. My back had been sore for a week but was on the mend. I'd decided that I was well enough for a nice walk with Toby and some friends. We walked along the beach and round a headland and then along another beach and round another headland and so on. We went for a coffee, my first in ages. I ordered a weak coffee and fully expected to not be able to finish it but I did and I enjoyed every sip. We then continued our walk. I'm not really sure how much further we walked although I could work it out. It took us a while because we stopped to watch a pod of 30 or 40 dolphins surfing and jumping out of the water. It was so beautiful. At the end of the walk I went to the toilet and when I wiped - excuse me if too much information; sensitive eyes may stop reading now - found a small dark red blood clot about the size of my little finger nail on the paper.

I immediately panicked. Was the coffee a bad idea? Was the walk a bad idea? Was I going to have a miscarriage? Would I be better off if I was at home? What should I do? Did I need to take it easy or not worry? Should I seek medical attention? I'd had a feeling something like this might happen. I had noticed a very slight stain on the paper a couple of times when I'd been to the toilet that morning. I think one of them must have happened in the night as I remember having a sort of daydream that I started to bleed whilst no one was around but me and my friend and so I ended up telling her I was pregnant.

I managed to control my breathing and calm down a little. When I came out of the bathroom I waited to discreetly tell Toby and we sat down for a while on the pretense that my back was sore. Our friends offered to walk back and get the car but Toby ran after them and told them what was going on. Lucie came and sat with me and Toby whilst Scott went for the car.

On the way into the campsite Toby noticed an ambulance on the beach so whilst I lay down and got comfortable with some water and pillows and tried to relax, he and Scott ran down the beach to chat to the paramedic. Before she left the beach she called into the campsite to reassure me. She said it was perfectly normal and that I should take it easy, try to relax and let Toby look after me. She said if it was an actual miscarriage it would be more like a period with lots of blood and cramping. I was cramping a little but I think it was mainly because the super hot curry we'd had the night before hadn't yet evacuated. I started to over-analyse every symptom. She said my anxiety levels were probably high because I'd lost my previous pregnancy but that the only way to know for sure whether the baby was okay would be to do an internal ultrasound and they didn't have those facilities on the island. If I was worried I could be transported back to the mainland.

I decided just to take it easy and later that evening I was feeling well enough to go to the house that the rest of our friends were staying in for dinner. However, the spotting and feeling uneasy continued, and each time I noticed spotting, usually after going to the toilet, it made me a little bit upset. By this time the spotting was more like a dark discharge than blood clots. The colour was more of a brownish colour indicating that it was residual from the clot I'd lost earlier. I was relieved we'd told our friends as it was really nice having someone else there who knew what I was going through.

The next morning it was still happening and I wasn't feeling great. Not nauseous as usual but mentally and emotionally abstracted. Even the lack of nausea worried me. Did it mean my levels of HCG were lowering, which can indicate the baby's growth has slowed or stopped? I told myself it was just because I was extremely relaxed and in an environment where I could laze around and do nothing. The morning is a bit of a blur. My friend had her own personal trauma when she lost something of immense sentimental value and became really upset. I couldn't do much to console her and can't remember much about the event. I don't know if this inability to remember clearly is a normal symptom of pregnancy. I have muddled up the order in which things happened and can't remember details. I remember feeling unwell and just wanting to chill out on my own and then a load of our friends (who don't know I'm pregnant) turned up and I felt like I had to put on a strong face. It seemed like people just kept arriving at the site but I can't remember who specifically or what we talked about, what order they arrived in, who they were with. It's bizarre. Is this what people mean when they talk about "pregnancy brain"? Or is it possible it's stress related?

Eventually we got home but by then I was exhausted. I was really stressed about how upset my friend was on top of everything else. I was also upset, probably selfishly given her circumstances, that she hadn't asked how I was feeling or how the spotting was. I felt like I'd lost her support after only having it for a short while and I was missing it. But I realise she had her own things to concern her. I think I was probably being quite hormonal and hyper-sensitive. I had a warm shower and chilled out with my books, reading up on spotting. I was put a bit more at ease by what I read. It seems no one quite knows why some spotting occurs (some is implant bleeding and others occur when the period would normally be due but mine was neither) but it is quite common and doesn't seem to be harmful. I just wish it would stop so I could stop worrying about it.

I went to bed exhausted at 8.30pm but was still awake at 9.30pm. All through the night I woke up with discomfort in my stomach, a bit nauseous but more like intestinal cramping. Finally in the morning I was able to go to the toilet and relieve myself but the intense nausea crept in and I've been feeling pretty rotten on and off all morning. The off periods don't seem to last very long and I'm struggling to focus at work. Because it isn't that long since I was last like this, plus I had so much time off work last week with my bad back, I feel like I can't tell anyone how I feel. I keep taking deep breaths to try and ward off the nausea so I'm sure they can tell I'm not quite right.

I'm trying very hard not to get stressed but it's difficult. My friend is upset, I'm experiencing spotting, work is crazy (although at the moment I'm twiddling my thumbs waiting for the work to be delivered), I feel absolutely awful but don't feel like I can tell anyone. I think I'll get my blood tests done today and next Monday is my appointment with the obstetrician. After that I'll feel better about telling close friends and family but I'd rather not tell work until it's a bit more definite and by then this crazy period will probably be over.

Six weeks and queasy

I hit the six week mark today and the nausea has set in. I could almost date my pregnancy by it. I'm struggling through work with my bad back and queasiness. I don't know if I'll make it through the day. I'm also feeling a bit apprehensive about the weekend especially the car and ferry journey. I can see I'll probably end up telling a couple of close friends that I'm pregnant in order to explain how I'm feeling and why I'm not drinking or up to doing much. On the other hand keeping active might make me feel better.

I really hope my back is sorted by then or the journey could be tricky. I might take my hot water bottle just to make sure I can stay warm at night. Although it could be dangerous filling it from a saucepan.

I am eating often (I'd say little and often but I had a huge breakfast which probably wasn't a wise idea) to keep the nausea at bay. I think I will take lots of water crackers with me this weekend. I definitely feel pregnant now. It's just amazing how it kicks in at exactly six weeks. I think this happened last time too. I'd been feeling fine nausea-wise up until now and was hoping I could get away with a fairly easy sickness-free pregnancy this time. Just so long as I'm not vomiting. Unlike the damn cat. There are four dirty yellow stains on our lounge carpet now and I've lost many hours scrubbing the floor when I should have been resting my back. Why does he have to vomit on the carpet when there are so many tiles in the house? It must be a cat thing. My cat, Dylan, who lives with my mother, apparently does the same thing.

I've noticed when I get up in the night to go to the toilet my boobs are particularly sore. Through the day they're not too bad especially when I'm wearing a bra.

Every now and again I keep thinking "oh my god, we're having a baby," and then I try and imagine what it will be like. But I don't want to dwell on it too much in case it doesn't happen. I think that there is no way I could lose this pregnancy and not be devastated. It's awful going through these feelings of nausea to get nothing in return, knowing if you want to have a baby you have to go through it all again. The sense of loss is quite surprising given you never really had the thing in the first place, just the promise of it. I keep thinking that it's unlikely it'll happen to me again but in actual fact the chances are exactly the same. It's hard to believe it's really happening but that wouldn't make it any easier to deal with if it didn't. So I'm excited but apprehensive. Everything seems to be making me apprehensive at the moment.