Saturday, May 10, 2008

Back in Blighty

I was back in Blighty when I started writing this but now I'm back in Oz, looking for the wizard, who is, by all accounts, rather wonderful. A bit of a whizz at what he does, apparently, which is wonderful things.

It appears that the entire world, except for me, is now pregnant. I haven't had confirmation from absolutely everyone I know yet but I am expecting to in the next few weeks.

Firstly, after a 30 hour trip from my home in Australia to my sister's home in Newcastle, I went to a pub for some lunch with my Dad, sister and baby niece, whereupon Clare asked if I'd heard the recent "good news". Dad shifted uncomfortably as Clare proceeded to tell a story of my young cousin, who seems somewhat younger than his 18 years, calling my Gran to tell her the good news: that he had knocked up his girlfriend (my words, not his, presumably) and they were expecting a baby in November. I groaned inwardly: November, a month after our baby should have been born. Clare's story didn't stop there as she told me of Gran's reactions and various comments on the subject, none of which I can remember but suffice to say all were negative, none positive. The jet-lag and lack of sleep, followed by this shocking news and the distress that I had been in the country not much longer than five minutes and already I was being reminded of my recent loss, all combined to make me feel quite depressed and a bit lonely. I politely suggested that we could stop talking about it now and I think she realised her faux pas, but with all due respect to her it was probably better that I found out straight away when I was feeling low anyway. It got all the nasty stuff over with in one day.

I managed to avoid much conversation with said cousin at the christening as I really didn't want to venture into the topic of babies, pregnancy or "good news". I have mixed feelings regarding the whole thing and I won't go into too much detail but I am sympathetic (accidents do happen), concerned (are they responsible enough? what will happen to this baby? does he realise what he's getting himself into? have they considered all of the options? how can he raise a child on a glass collector's wage?) and bloody annoyance at the irony and timing of the whole thing and the fact that the majority of the family don't know what I'm going through.

I also managed to successfully avoid any questions regarding when Toby and I would be having children, which my mother had warned could happen. Thank god... what with the jet-lag and news of my cousin, I don't know how I would have responded.

Secondly, on a lovely day out with an old university friend and her husband, my friend announced that she is expecting a baby at the start of October. October!! What the? I couldn't not tell her what I'd been through but I felt terrible doing it, like I was stealing her thunder. "I see your good news regarding a pregnancy and I raise you bad news about a miscarriage. Ha! Beat that missus". The babies would have been due about a week apart. How lovely it would have been to have a child the same age as one of my good friends'. Oh! the cruelty of life. My friend was very understanding of my desire to share my not so good news, and she was also reassuring, telling me tales of other friends who had been through similar things. Once that was all out of the way we were able to excitedly talk about her pregnancy and plans for the future.

Thirdly, last night via Facebook, reading between the lines (sort of) of a post left on an ex-London-colleague's wall by another ex-London-colleague, I realised that his partner is also pregnant.

If you look back over my previous posts you'll see that I kind of guessed this might happen. Or at least I thought that I might hear about someone else getting pregnant and feel super sensitive about it, and imagine that I'm surrounded by pregnant people. I tried to prepare myself for it. But really!! I AM surrounded by pregnant people. It's ridiculous. How many more people want to bloody well get preggers and rub my face in it?

It really bugs me. It's like everyone's stealing my idea and getting to do it before me. I think I could be very chilled out about having babies if other people would stop doing it first. It's possible I've been ovulating since I got back and everytime Toby and I tumble together in the sack I start freaking out, thinking "oh my god... that could have just got me pregnant - crap" yet I feel incredibly down when I hear about other people having babies. I am clearly not entirely sane. I don't make any sense whatsoever. I am a walking, confused contradiction.

I'm jet-lagged and really sensitive to noise today. Right now I want to clobber a colleauge for talking too loudly. Strange, 'cause usually I quite like this fella.

Incidentally, I figured out what was probably wrong with me when I was feeling jippy last month. I think it was a virus as it developed into a cold just before I flew to UK. I think I'd rather that than the thing Toby currently thinks is the matter at him, which is Candida and requires a sugar- and carb-fast. Boring.

1 comment:

Clare said...

Oh my God I'm such an idiot I could just cry. I'm sorry for being so insensitive.

Love you.

C xx