Friday, April 11, 2008

One month on

Well, Tasmania was fantastic. Just what I needed. I feel so much better.

Strangely though, I'm still having moments of sadness. I have to remind myself when things upset me that I'm probably feeling a bit more vulnerable at the moment.

Anyhoo... everything seems to be returning to normal. That is, Pru came to visit. I've heard that a better name for her is Auntie Flo. Cute. But I think I'll stick with Pru just to be different. Her arrival was both a happy and a sad event. It brought hope and normality, and relief and amazement that my body can recover so quickly as though a miscarriage is nothing but a hiccup of fertility. It also brought closure, it finalised that strange chapter in my life that was a brief pregnancy and a loss, and with that closure came a sense of sadness. That was it, almost as though it never happened. And sometimes it feels like it was all just a dream. That's a strange feeling. It's like I was almost a woman, I had a taste of what it might be like, and then it was taken away from me again. There's a strange sense of relief that my life is back to normal but also a sense of loss and the realisation that what was normal before will never be normal again. Things have changed. I'll never be the same again. I'm still a little bit afraid of the whole parenting thing but I know I'll be a good mother when it does happen.

The good news is we saw Dr Stokes again on Tuesday and he said everything seemed pretty normal and there's nothing to worry about. He warned that the whole debacle could happen again and it wouldn't be much to worry about if it happened twice more. He said he personally sees one miscarriage per week, which I guess isn't too surprising given he's an obstetrician and a fertility doctor but it must be very sad for him.

I listened to John Butler's song, Spring, written about his wife's miscarriage.

So Spring is in her belly,
It's sprouted in her soul,
and no one had to tell us,
we did just know.
and now life seems a little more, somehow,
and i looked at her like i always do and i see,

Just the thought of you changed us,
I remember exactly when,
but as soon as you say hello,
you say goodbye again,
and now she feels abandoned,
Forgotten and betrayed,
well there ain't nothing i can do,
Theres nothing i can say.

Don't go away so soon,
Im hopin to meet you,
when will our paths cross again?
I know we'll be the best of friends.

Thought i'd like to meet you,
See what you looked like,
i bet you look like your mother,
boy, you'd be shining in the light,
but you're not coming out to play,
Not tomorrow or tonight,
And now i hold her crying
Yes i hold her body tight.
Yes I hold her body tight.

and i say,
Don't go away so soon,
Im hopin to meet you,
when will our paths cross again?
I know we'll be the best of friends.
Don't go away so soon,
I'm hopin' to meet you
When will our paths cross again?
I know we'll be the best of friends.

Now it's a month since your visit
and your memory lingers on,
Somehow feels like you're around,
even though i know you're gone
and in these times when you feel so low
Aint nothing you can do
But we're still thankful for your visit
Cause we changed cause of you,
Yeah we changed cause of you.

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