Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Is my brain asleep?

I feel pregnant again. It started on Monday night in yoga when I got light-headed doing standing poses. Standing poses are fairly strenuous and it was quite a warm night so I thought nothing of it until I got light-headed again making breakfast the next morning. I think my blood pressure was low so I drank lots of fluids and felt better later in the day but I've been feeling tired and fuzzy since then.

Other, and far more likely, causes of my recent strangeness are ovulation (due any time from Sunday to today depending on which game my cycle is playing this month, but probably around yesterday) and stress (work! arghh! don't want to talk about it but I'm sick to the back teeth of my job.)

Actually no, I will talk about it briefly. Something odd is going on. I've supported all of the uni's web systems for almost three years now. We have these groups called support groups that are supposed to meet regularly to look after each system, like a user group. The main website group stopped meeting over a year ago after our project manager told them that their IT resources (me and Richard) were being assigned to another project temporarily. The user team in charge of the site got the shits and went into a massive sulk and have refused to speak to us for over a year despite my attempts to get the group meeting again, despite the fact that I, in turn, got the shits with the other project and defected back to the website. Anyway the group is starting again soon with a new chairperson and a new focus and my director has told me, in front of the entire corporate apps team, that she doesn't want me involved. She's sending someone else because she wants different membership due to "past angst" (i.e. the big sulk).

This would make sense if the other person hadn't been at the last meeing where they were told the bad news, and I had been there, which I wasn't. It might also make sense if that person had spent the time that I had thinking about the new meeting and its focus, or if he had the same breadth of knowledge as do I of the various websites, rather than just the main site and one or two others. It might even make sense if he hadn't generally be involved in the groups in the past. But he has. So I don't know what she's suggesting. In no way do I wish to disparage this guy by the way because he's a good friend and worker... it's just the situation that's strange.

Meanwhile, our main user met with Richard about something a couple of months ago and I thought I'd go along for a couple of reasons; firstly to get an overview of the work they were doing to keep up to date with what was happening; secondly, because I used to be friends with this colleague and we hadn't spoken for a while (since I asked her if I could move into the flat she was renting out for a few months whilst I was homeless, actually, and she said no because she wanted to rent it for a year, but then never bothered to ask me for an update on my living situation; some friend). She pretty much said she didn't want me there.

I got a bit bothered for a while then took myself off for a walk and thought about the book I'm reading (Seven habits) then realised I wasn't going to let it get to me.

Only it does because I realise I've reached the end of my time there. I have other things I'd rather be doing, I'm bored out of my brain, I'm losing respect for the institution and the people that run it, including some of my own managers, and I think I lack trust in them. This stems back to that promotion they promised me 2 1/2 years ago which I've still never had; followed by the double increment I was supposed to get in my level last year but which ended up being a single one, and which no one has ever followed up on with me, despite the fact that I have chased both of these things up with my manager.

Then again, I have just come back from honeymoon and I'm preparing to go away again. Not many employers would put up with that, and it has crossed my mind that my director is just really annoyed that I'm doing it. It's her own fault though because I did talk to her about it but sometimes she just doesn't listen properly.

So why don't I just leave? Apart from the fact there aren't many other jobs around here, I don't really feel like I can because of our current family situation (or lack thereof). The uni offers really good maternity leave and I could fall pregnant any time now (how stupid is that phrase? "ow... oopps"; "oh dear, what did you do?", "oh nothing, just slipped and fell pregnant") which makes me feel like I don't want to give it up and I'm not in a position to start a new job. One thing I will be doing soon is thinking about how long I want to put up with the current situation before I start seriously thinking of alternatives and looking for another job. I think I'll give it 4-6 months. If I'm not pregnant by then I'll either seek fertility treatment or get another job, depending on my mental state.

Meanwhile, I'll get working on my book about local walks. At least that has me excited.

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