18 weeks and I'm irritated

It seems like the 18th week of pregnancy is all about irritation. Last week I was high on the happy hormones but this week the irritable ones have kicked in and I'm largely annoyed. And the fact that I have spent most of this week feeling irritated is really irritating me. When I'm not irritated I'm stressed or anxious. It's doing my head in.

I'm anxious about putting on too much weight. I'm irritated with my wardrobe and having to try a multitude of things on before I find something that fits, albeit with a safety pin or hair band. I'm stressed at the thought of having to buy new clothes on a budget. I'm upset at the fact that my mother and my sister went shopping for maternity clothes for me and posted them three weeks ago and they still haven't arrived. I'm beginning to think they might be lost as I've had two parcels from Nana in that time, which is a real shame given I'm having such clothing issues.

It all got way too much for me when Toby asked me to write a list of all the clothes I might need to buy whilst pregnant, including underwear, so that we can budget for it!! I mean how the bloody hell am I supposed to know that?!! I can see his point. We are trying to save for furniture, home maintenance, a trip to the UK, me being on half-pay for a year then god knows what after that but we'll never have as much as we have now because even if I go back to work full-time I'll have to pay for childcare. Not forgetting all the baby paraphernalia. But I mean really, have I ever been pregnant before? No! I have a grand idea that I can buy a few long tops and wear trousers and skirts below my belly but I don't really know how realistic this is or how long I'll get away with it for. Plus there was the fact that I was due to replace some clothes that died last summer anyway.  I went for a swim the other day and could barely squish my tits into my swimsuit. Similar story in the gym. It's all just too much. I just want to go out and replace things when the need arises but it seems that's not going to work for us financially.

I realise that all pregnant ladies go through this. I also realise that the irritability is natural but it doesn't make it any easier to deal with. Come back happy hormones... I want to love being pregnant again.

Anyway, regarding the weight thing. I've decided not to worry about it. It's easier said than done though. I really just have to stop giving in to cravings. At least they're subsiding a bit now. But I'm just so hungry all the time. I don't see how I'm not going to put on at least 15kg during this pregnancy. I've already put on 5kg and I'm not even half-way there and the baby is tiny. Toby tells me he has heavy bones so perhaps the baby does too. The good news is that I have just found a website which tells me that weight gain should be based upon BMI. My pre-pregnancy BMI was 20.31, which is the low end of the ideal weight range and I can expect to gain, or should aim to gain between 11.3kg and 15.9kg. I'm happy with this. I also read another website which says most healthcare providers don't weigh women after the first appointment because it causes too much anxiety. I'll say. The same website said that many women gain most of their weight in the first 20 weeks, so just because I have gained 5kg by 18 weeks doesn't mean that I will continue to gain at the same rate. Indeed some weeks I lose weight and others I stay the same then all of a sudden I'll put it on. I've never been so damn obsessed about my weight before and this needs to stop now. In fact I'm considering asking that they don't weigh me at my next appointment but hopefully the happy hormones will be back by then and it won't be such an issue.

Another parcel arrived from Nana.This one had a towel in it which was on our list of things to buy before February so it's great to be able to tick that off. It also contained a beautiful shawl which my great Nana bought for my mother's christening. Great Nana died just before I was born and Nana always said she was my guardian angel. She enclosed a photo of my mam lying on the shawl on her christening day at 6 weeks old. It's weird seeing baby photos of my mam, especially when I'm pregnant and thinking about the fact that she used to be pregnant with me. It brings to mind the whole circle of life thing, how it just keeps going on, how one day my baby might have babies and grand-children. It's not even born yet. It's too weird. It's like thinking about how big the universe is. I have to stop it now. Incidentally my mam was a very cute and pretty little baby. What a strange thing to think about your mother!!

I did my Australian citizenship test yesterday and got 100%. Ha! That's one in the eye for pregnancy brain. However PB did make me lose my birth certificate. Couldn't find it anywhere and I was supposed to take it with me to the test. I convinced myself it was at work so the ladies told me I could bring it in today. After today I'd have to get a copy certified by a JP, who would also have to sign a passport photo of me, and I'd have to fill a form in and post it all off. Lots of hassle. I got to work this morning and couldn't find it anywhere so had to drive home after lunch in the bucketing rain and look for it again. Eventually I found a copy I'd requested from the registrar three years ago and took that along. I still have no idea where the original is but it must be around somewhere. Of course the whole episode was very irritating and I'm particularly annoyed that everything is still in boxes and we have no decent furniture 10 months after moving house.

The baby is getting very wriggly now and I'm sure Toby would be able to feel a few of the movements. Unfortunately he doesn't have the patience to keep his hand on my belly for long enough to feel something. Last night, seconds after he moved away the baby did this little kick that must have been palpable from the outside too. It can't be too long before the kicks are obvious.

I have to go. I'm getting really hungry.