The good things

I should really be doing work rather than writing this, especially as I have just spent about half an hour writing a post for my other blog and prior to that we had a power cut for about an hour or so but once the creative juices get flowing, it's so terribly hard to stop them. Besides I have something to say, and you know me, I just can't keep quiet when there's something on the tip of my tongue.

Basically, I just wanted to briefly point out a few good things about not being pregnant.

Firstly, my main blog is benefiting significantly. The fatigue of pregnancy followed by the doldroms of miscarriage so sapped my creative energy that after whinging on this blog there was nothing left for my other one. Given that I'm pretty much the only person that reads this blog, this wasn't a good thing. Now I'm back on track and I just can't get the ideas out of my head and onto the website quick enough. Clearly I am going to have to figure out how to earn money from this little hobby of mine.

Secondly, I am feeling fit. I have had the energy and time to devote to my pilates and try to get my sciatica under control. It still bothers me but I feel so much stronger. I think the next step is to get in there with some deep tissue massage and try and work out the tightness. I've spent much of my time sitting on a tennis ball which is definitely helping and I'm thinking of seeking the services of my remedial masseur for a bit of a head-start. I'm feeling quite positive about it all though. It has also been great getting back into the gym, swimming and riding my bike after a long break.

Thirdly, I am feeling and looking trim, thanks to Toby's candida diet. I haven't been eating carbs (much) in the evenings and I reckon I look pretty good for it, certainly much better than I'd look if pregnant. Apparently I'd be half-way through my pregnancy by now. I certainly wouldn't be feeling trim that's for sure.

So, sure it sucks and there are hard times but hey! There are good times too. Hurrah!!!

Back in Blighty

I was back in Blighty when I started writing this but now I'm back in Oz, looking for the wizard, who is, by all accounts, rather wonderful. A bit of a whizz at what he does, apparently, which is wonderful things.

It appears that the entire world, except for me, is now pregnant. I haven't had confirmation from absolutely everyone I know yet but I am expecting to in the next few weeks.

Firstly, after a 30 hour trip from my home in Australia to my sister's home in Newcastle, I went to a pub for some lunch with my Dad, sister and baby niece, whereupon Clare asked if I'd heard the recent "good news". Dad shifted uncomfortably as Clare proceeded to tell a story of my young cousin, who seems somewhat younger than his 18 years, calling my Gran to tell her the good news: that he had knocked up his girlfriend (my words, not his, presumably) and they were expecting a baby in November. I groaned inwardly: November, a month after our baby should have been born. Clare's story didn't stop there as she told me of Gran's reactions and various comments on the subject, none of which I can remember but suffice to say all were negative, none positive. The jet-lag and lack of sleep, followed by this shocking news and the distress that I had been in the country not much longer than five minutes and already I was being reminded of my recent loss, all combined to make me feel quite depressed and a bit lonely. I politely suggested that we could stop talking about it now and I think she realised her faux pas, but with all due respect to her it was probably better that I found out straight away when I was feeling low anyway. It got all the nasty stuff over with in one day.

I managed to avoid much conversation with said cousin at the christening as I really didn't want to venture into the topic of babies, pregnancy or "good news". I have mixed feelings regarding the whole thing and I won't go into too much detail but I am sympathetic (accidents do happen), concerned (are they responsible enough? what will happen to this baby? does he realise what he's getting himself into? have they considered all of the options? how can he raise a child on a glass collector's wage?) and bloody annoyance at the irony and timing of the whole thing and the fact that the majority of the family don't know what I'm going through.

I also managed to successfully avoid any questions regarding when Toby and I would be having children, which my mother had warned could happen. Thank god... what with the jet-lag and news of my cousin, I don't know how I would have responded.

Secondly, on a lovely day out with an old university friend and her husband, my friend announced that she is expecting a baby at the start of October. October!! What the? I couldn't not tell her what I'd been through but I felt terrible doing it, like I was stealing her thunder. "I see your good news regarding a pregnancy and I raise you bad news about a miscarriage. Ha! Beat that missus". The babies would have been due about a week apart. How lovely it would have been to have a child the same age as one of my good friends'. Oh! the cruelty of life. My friend was very understanding of my desire to share my not so good news, and she was also reassuring, telling me tales of other friends who had been through similar things. Once that was all out of the way we were able to excitedly talk about her pregnancy and plans for the future.

Thirdly, last night via Facebook, reading between the lines (sort of) of a post left on an ex-London-colleague's wall by another ex-London-colleague, I realised that his partner is also pregnant.

If you look back over my previous posts you'll see that I kind of guessed this might happen. Or at least I thought that I might hear about someone else getting pregnant and feel super sensitive about it, and imagine that I'm surrounded by pregnant people. I tried to prepare myself for it. But really!! I AM surrounded by pregnant people. It's ridiculous. How many more people want to bloody well get preggers and rub my face in it?

It really bugs me. It's like everyone's stealing my idea and getting to do it before me. I think I could be very chilled out about having babies if other people would stop doing it first. It's possible I've been ovulating since I got back and everytime Toby and I tumble together in the sack I start freaking out, thinking "oh my god... that could have just got me pregnant - crap" yet I feel incredibly down when I hear about other people having babies. I am clearly not entirely sane. I don't make any sense whatsoever. I am a walking, confused contradiction.

I'm jet-lagged and really sensitive to noise today. Right now I want to clobber a colleauge for talking too loudly. Strange, 'cause usually I quite like this fella.

Incidentally, I figured out what was probably wrong with me when I was feeling jippy last month. I think it was a virus as it developed into a cold just before I flew to UK. I think I'd rather that than the thing Toby currently thinks is the matter at him, which is Candida and requires a sugar- and carb-fast. Boring.

Could it be giardia?

Did a pregnancy test this morning. Negative. Two options. Either I did it too early or there's something else up. Toby is now convinced he has giardia so I'm wondering if he has and if he's given it to me. Of course, he couldn't have gone straight to the doctor when he thought of it last week, could he? No, he's waiting until tomorrow. Two days before I fly out to England. I doubt he'll even have the results before I leave but if he does have it, it means I either have to faff around trying to see a doctor over there (not gonna happen, matey) or wait until I get back.

So I'll wait and see if my period comes (due the day I fly, oh joy!) and perhaps take the second test with me just in case it doesn't. It doesn't surprise me the test was negative. Whilst I've felt pregnant for the last week or two, I have always thought that I couldn't be... well, not so much couldn't be as wasn't likely to be. It's a bit of a relief as lying in bed last night I realised that if I was it was probably going to be due early January (haven't done the maths, this is just a guess) which is pretty much a Christmas baby. So I guess we're aiming for a March baby now because conception during May might be a bit tricky what with my trip to England.

Last night was a bit draining. I had two people ask me if I was pregnant. One said she'd had a premonition that I was pregnant and two friends were engaged. Later the same day we all got an email saying the same couple were indeed engaged. This was almost two weeks ago. Another friend asked if I was pregnant and, when I nodded at my glass of wine, asked when I would be. Oh, it was tempting to tell her what had happened but it was her leaving party and she was drunk and didn't need to know that stuff. It would have just been mean. Then I found out that another friend was expecting her second baby and was 12 weeks pregnant. I would have been almost 16 weeks by now. This friend would have found out she was pregnant just after we saw her and told her I was pregnant, just before, in fact, we found out I wasn't anymore. Weird. Made me really sad. And another lady is pregnant at yoga, probably around 12 weeks too. It seems I'm surrounded by people as pregnant as I should be.

And I'm not hungry either

And I'm getting that funny constipated, but not quite, feeling in my tummy.

Am I being paranoid?

I feel so similar to how I did when I was first pregnant... but then again it would be quite strange if I was... but then again I thought that last time... but it's so early, would I really be able to tell so early? It's only day 17. Maybe I'm running myself into the ground. Maybe I'm thinking about it too much.

Maybe I should just eat.

I did have rather a large breakfast so it probably makes sense that I'm not hungry.

But then I always have a large breakfast.

Then again, we did have morning tea this morning.

But I only had a rock bun, slice of apple and a cracker with some cheese and it's nearly 3pm and I'm about to have some toast because I'm feeling weary but I'm not hungry!!

Is there two of me or one of me? Well that's weird. I asked that question after realising I was having a conversation with myself and then realised the connotations.

I think I might be mad. Or schizophrenic (which is mad, really, although it isn't polite to say so these days). Or pregnant. Or something. Wibble.

Is that the wind?

It's blowing 20 knots from the south-east and the rain is lashing against the windows of the prison block they call the ICT building.

Meanwhile, I've been feeling a bit windy myself since last night. Uncomfortable movements within. What could it mean? Is a blastocyte trying to implant itself?

I was going to ask Toby's mum if I was pregnant this weekend (she has a sixth sense) but it doesn't seem like she's visiting. Looks like I'll either have to wait it out til the end of the month or invest in a pregnancy testing kit.

Is my brain asleep?

I feel pregnant again. It started on Monday night in yoga when I got light-headed doing standing poses. Standing poses are fairly strenuous and it was quite a warm night so I thought nothing of it until I got light-headed again making breakfast the next morning. I think my blood pressure was low so I drank lots of fluids and felt better later in the day but I've been feeling tired and fuzzy since then.

Other, and far more likely, causes of my recent strangeness are ovulation (due any time from Sunday to today depending on which game my cycle is playing this month, but probably around yesterday) and stress (work! arghh! don't want to talk about it but I'm sick to the back teeth of my job.)

Actually no, I will talk about it briefly. Something odd is going on. I've supported all of the uni's web systems for almost three years now. We have these groups called support groups that are supposed to meet regularly to look after each system, like a user group. The main website group stopped meeting over a year ago after our project manager told them that their IT resources (me and Richard) were being assigned to another project temporarily. The user team in charge of the site got the shits and went into a massive sulk and have refused to speak to us for over a year despite my attempts to get the group meeting again, despite the fact that I, in turn, got the shits with the other project and defected back to the website. Anyway the group is starting again soon with a new chairperson and a new focus and my director has told me, in front of the entire corporate apps team, that she doesn't want me involved. She's sending someone else because she wants different membership due to "past angst" (i.e. the big sulk).

This would make sense if the other person hadn't been at the last meeing where they were told the bad news, and I had been there, which I wasn't. It might also make sense if that person had spent the time that I had thinking about the new meeting and its focus, or if he had the same breadth of knowledge as do I of the various websites, rather than just the main site and one or two others. It might even make sense if he hadn't generally be involved in the groups in the past. But he has. So I don't know what she's suggesting. In no way do I wish to disparage this guy by the way because he's a good friend and worker... it's just the situation that's strange.

Meanwhile, our main user met with Richard about something a couple of months ago and I thought I'd go along for a couple of reasons; firstly to get an overview of the work they were doing to keep up to date with what was happening; secondly, because I used to be friends with this colleague and we hadn't spoken for a while (since I asked her if I could move into the flat she was renting out for a few months whilst I was homeless, actually, and she said no because she wanted to rent it for a year, but then never bothered to ask me for an update on my living situation; some friend). She pretty much said she didn't want me there.

I got a bit bothered for a while then took myself off for a walk and thought about the book I'm reading (Seven habits) then realised I wasn't going to let it get to me.

Only it does because I realise I've reached the end of my time there. I have other things I'd rather be doing, I'm bored out of my brain, I'm losing respect for the institution and the people that run it, including some of my own managers, and I think I lack trust in them. This stems back to that promotion they promised me 2 1/2 years ago which I've still never had; followed by the double increment I was supposed to get in my level last year but which ended up being a single one, and which no one has ever followed up on with me, despite the fact that I have chased both of these things up with my manager.

Then again, I have just come back from honeymoon and I'm preparing to go away again. Not many employers would put up with that, and it has crossed my mind that my director is just really annoyed that I'm doing it. It's her own fault though because I did talk to her about it but sometimes she just doesn't listen properly.

So why don't I just leave? Apart from the fact there aren't many other jobs around here, I don't really feel like I can because of our current family situation (or lack thereof). The uni offers really good maternity leave and I could fall pregnant any time now (how stupid is that phrase? "ow... oopps"; "oh dear, what did you do?", "oh nothing, just slipped and fell pregnant") which makes me feel like I don't want to give it up and I'm not in a position to start a new job. One thing I will be doing soon is thinking about how long I want to put up with the current situation before I start seriously thinking of alternatives and looking for another job. I think I'll give it 4-6 months. If I'm not pregnant by then I'll either seek fertility treatment or get another job, depending on my mental state.

Meanwhile, I'll get working on my book about local walks. At least that has me excited.

One month on

Well, Tasmania was fantastic. Just what I needed. I feel so much better.

Strangely though, I'm still having moments of sadness. I have to remind myself when things upset me that I'm probably feeling a bit more vulnerable at the moment.

Anyhoo... everything seems to be returning to normal. That is, Pru came to visit. I've heard that a better name for her is Auntie Flo. Cute. But I think I'll stick with Pru just to be different. Her arrival was both a happy and a sad event. It brought hope and normality, and relief and amazement that my body can recover so quickly as though a miscarriage is nothing but a hiccup of fertility. It also brought closure, it finalised that strange chapter in my life that was a brief pregnancy and a loss, and with that closure came a sense of sadness. That was it, almost as though it never happened. And sometimes it feels like it was all just a dream. That's a strange feeling. It's like I was almost a woman, I had a taste of what it might be like, and then it was taken away from me again. There's a strange sense of relief that my life is back to normal but also a sense of loss and the realisation that what was normal before will never be normal again. Things have changed. I'll never be the same again. I'm still a little bit afraid of the whole parenting thing but I know I'll be a good mother when it does happen.

The good news is we saw Dr Stokes again on Tuesday and he said everything seemed pretty normal and there's nothing to worry about. He warned that the whole debacle could happen again and it wouldn't be much to worry about if it happened twice more. He said he personally sees one miscarriage per week, which I guess isn't too surprising given he's an obstetrician and a fertility doctor but it must be very sad for him.

I listened to John Butler's song, Spring, written about his wife's miscarriage.

So Spring is in her belly,
It's sprouted in her soul,
and no one had to tell us,
we did just know.
and now life seems a little more, somehow,
meaningful
and i looked at her like i always do and i see,
beautiful

Just the thought of you changed us,
I remember exactly when,
but as soon as you say hello,
you say goodbye again,
and now she feels abandoned,
Forgotten and betrayed,
well there ain't nothing i can do,
Theres nothing i can say.

But,
Don't go away so soon,
Im hopin to meet you,
when will our paths cross again?
I know we'll be the best of friends.

Thought i'd like to meet you,
See what you looked like,
i bet you look like your mother,
boy, you'd be shining in the light,
but you're not coming out to play,
Not tomorrow or tonight,
And now i hold her crying
Yes i hold her body tight.
Yes I hold her body tight.

and i say,
Don't go away so soon,
Im hopin to meet you,
when will our paths cross again?
I know we'll be the best of friends.
Don't go away so soon,
I'm hopin' to meet you
When will our paths cross again?
I know we'll be the best of friends.

Now it's a month since your visit
and your memory lingers on,
Somehow feels like you're around,
even though i know you're gone
and in these times when you feel so low
Aint nothing you can do
But we're still thankful for your visit
Cause we changed cause of you,
Yeah we changed cause of you.